What the Hale!
by Mimidearr
Summary: Jasper:"I'm Bored." Alice:"Me too." Jasper:"LETS DO SOMETHING RANDOM!" Alice:"YEAH! LIKE FUZZBUCKETS RANDOM!" : Alice and Jasper said it all. But if you didnt understand... This is random stuff the Cullens do in their free time... Fuzzbuckets random stuff
1. Alice gets the hiccups

It was a quiet day in the Cullen's house. Bella was there so she and Edward were up in his room doing who knows what, and Emmett, the usual loud one, was hunting with Rosalie. Alice and Jasper sat on the couch, hand in hand.

"Hey, Jasper, Wanna see who can drink water the fastest?" Alice asked cheerfully.

"Honey, we don't drink water."

"Yes, but, it'd be fun!"

Jasper pursed his lips. "Alright." He said with a smile.

They ran to the kitchen and were back on the couch with glasses of water in the next second.

"Okay," Alice said, "one…"

"Two…" Jasper said.

"Three!" They both shouted at the same time and chugged down the water in half a second.

"Um… was that a… tie?" Jasper asked.

"I don't know but-" Alice stopped because she felt a strange jolt in her throat and it made her jump slightly.

"What, Alice?" Jasper asked, thinking she was having a vision. The jolt occurred again and this time Alice let out a little squeak. "Did you just…. Squeak?"

"I… I don't know. It's like this kind of"-jolt with a squeak-"explosion in my throat." She answered. Bella came down the stairs with Edward. Alice hopped up.

"Hello, Bella! I didn't know" She felt another jolt "you were here, want to go" –jolt- "Shopping?"

Bella giggled. "Alice, do you have the hiccups?"

Alice gasped. "Is that what that is? The" –squeak- "explosion in my throat?"

"It's called a hiccup, and that's when you eat or drink something really fast… wait I thought you didn't eat…" Bella was confused.

"Jasper and I" –squeak- "Got bored. This is starting to get" –squeak- "very annoying!" Edward chuckled softly.

"So now someone gets a taste of their own medicine. You finally know how it is to be annoyed, huh, Alice?" He said. Alice just stuck her tongue out at Edward and walked back to the couch.

"How do I" –squeak- "Get rid of them?" Alice asked. Edward was suddenly angry.

"Look it up online, Alice." He said, and took Bella back upstairs. Alice growled quietly but went over to the computer and searched "How to get rid of hiccups" on Google. One way was to plug your nose and hold your breath for as long as possible. Alice decided to try it, and she hiccupped as she walked back to the couch to sit next to Jasper. She sat down and plugged her nose.

"Alice… Honey… what are you doing?" Jasper asked, looking at her like she was insane.

"One of the ways" –hiccup- "to get rid of"-hiccup-"hiccups is to hold your breath and"-hiccup- "plug your nose." She replied.

"Alice, you don't need to breath."

"Jasper, please I really want to…" She hiccupped and took a deep breath. "Dang it! Now I have to" –hiccup-"start over! Jasper please be quiet." She plugged her nose again and held her breathe. Jasper rolled his eyes and wait for Alice to stop hiccupping.

-Five days later-

Alice was in the same position that she was five days ago, however her hiccups were long gone. Emmett and Rosalie found it amusing. She decided to stop plugging her nose, that holding her breath would be enough. She sat there, swaying to a song in her head, looking up at the ceiling and all that Jazz.

"Alice, you don't have hiccups anymore, you can breath and talk now." Jasper said after he had enough.

"Nope, not going to risk it." She said, using her last supply of oxygen to speak.

"You can't talk anymore, can you?" He asked. Alice just shook her head. "So what if I asked you a question that required more than a yes or no answer?" Alice shrugged. "Do you want to go to the mall?" Jasper asked. Alice nodded spazztickly, a smile spreading across her face. "Which mall?" Jasper added with a grin. Alice's smile faded and she looked up at Jasper with wide eyes. She had an idea and pointed her finger up to the ceiling. "What?" Jasper didn't know what she was saying. Alice hopped up and ran up the stairs to Edward's room.

_Edward!!!!!!!!! Edward! Edward!!! _She thought.

"What?" Edward asked her, clearly annoyed.

_Come! Now! NOW! _Alice grabbed Edward's hand and ran down the stairs with him. She grinned. _Translate for me, brother. Tell Jasper I want to go to the outlet mall by the beach!_ She laced her fingers together and looked up at Edward with pleading eyes. Edward smiled.

"Alice says she doesn't want to go to the mall." Edward said. Alice narrowed her eyes and slapped him on the shoulder.

_Edward! No! Please just tell him! Please Edward!_

"What?" Jasper asked, not believing it.

"In fact, she's even mad that you brought it up!" Edward went on.

_Edward! I hate you! Don't say that! You're not listening to me! EDWARD! _Alice was stomping on the ground, making it look like she _was_ mad that Jasper brought up the mall.

"See?" Edward asked, pointing to Alice. He chuckled softly.

_Edward! You're going dooown! _ Alice jumped on Edward's back and started punching him in the head with the side of her fist. Edward just shrugged her off and ran up the stairs laughing. She gritted her teeth together and balled her hands into fists at her sides.

"Alice, please talk. I miss your voice." Jasper said quietly. Alice put her hand on her not beating heart, walked over to Jasper, and then gave him a hug. "Will you? Please?"

Alice smiled and shook her head. Jasper sighed. "Well, how do I look? Come on, you know you want to say it. Just say it, go ahead." Alice bit her lip, trying not to say anything. "You know you want to say it, Alice." Jasper grinned and it made Alice forget why she was holding her breath.

She finally yelled "Sexy! Oh, Gosh, Jasper. You're so sexy!" and jumped into his arms. Jasper chuckled, glad to hear her voice.


	2. Twilight at Midnight w Esme and Alice

**Kay so this is not SO random… cause… well…. It's Twilight and everything. So hurray! Oh if you haven't seen Twilight yet…. Don't read this. It's kinda like spoilers…(like you don't know what happens in Twilight, anyway) but yeah…. They added and took out stuff so if you read this… wait nevermind… wait I don't know. Whatev ! Read it if you saw the movie, don't read it if you didn't, then come back, KAY?!**

Alice sat on the Cullen's couch, slightly jumping up and down. "Esme! Hurry up! We're going to be late!" Alice called. Esme was upstairs, cleaning her already clean room.

"Alice, honey, it's only 7:00, the movie starts at 12:00, remember?" Esme called from upstairs. Alice sighed in frustration.

"Yes, mother, but there is going to be a huge line! I can see it! So it's best if we leave now so we can get good seats!" Alice hopped up from the couch and flew up the stairs to Esme's room, grabbing her hand. "Come on! Come on!" She squealed as she pulled Esme out of her room.

"Okay, fine. We'll go now. Are we running or taking your car?" Esme asked. Alice stopped and bit her lip.

"Well, if we run, the humans will be suspicious. So let's take my Porsche. Oh, the humans will be so thrilled. Do you think they'll recognize us?"

"We don't look like anyone in the movie, but we look exactly like how we were written. So … maybe they will. And they are aware that you have a Porsche."

"Well… Hopefully they'll think we dressed up, let's go!" Alice sprinted down the stairs and into the Cullen's garage. She hopped in her car at the same time Esme did and pulled out, driving faster than ever. "How do you think they'll portray us? Do you think they'll do it good? What about Jasper? If they mess him up, I'm going to be very angry. What if they mess _me_ up? Oooh I will have to have a talk with summit.." Alice babbled about the Twilight movie as they drove. Esme just listened and nodded and smiled, sometimes adding excited comments about how Peter Facinelli was very good for Carlisle and Elizabeth Reaser was a very good her, too.

"… I mean they already messed up his hair... OH! We're HERE!" Alice grinned as she parked close to the entrance of the theater. When they were at the booth to get their tickets, the lady at the booth kept saying how well they dressed up. She said how she could barely tell that the paleness of their skin was make up. Alice grinned "Thank you, have a good night." She said to the lady at the booth and skipped into the theater with Esme walking behind her.

"Wow! Look at them! They look a lot like Alice and Esme!"

"Whoa, they did really good with their costumes."

"Oh my gosh! It almost looks like those people's skin is _actually _that pale!" Esme and Alice heard people talking as they walked by. Alice was right, the line _was _very long. Luckily, they didn't get there _too_ late because they were the 3rd people in line. A guy who dressed up as Edward was first in line and he eyes Esme and Alice as they walked by.

"Good job with your costumes." He commented smoothly, obviously trying to imitate Edward's velvet voice.

"Why, thank you." Esme said with a smile.

"You even have their jewelry. The Cullen crests. Where do you get them?"

Alice looked at the Edward imposter with a confused look. _You could get them? _She thought.

"Um… Online." She said, giggling softly.

"Oh. Okay." The Edward imposter said, chuckled slightly but not really knowing what there was to chuckle about.

Basically the 4 hours they waited to get in the theater consisted of Alice babbling about the movie more than she did in the car, and people in line constantly noticing the resemblance between how Stephenie Meyer described Esme and Alice and how Esme and Alice looked. Some of them wouldn't leave them alone, asking them questions like "Where'd you get your costume?" "Where'd you get the make up?" and "How do you make the skin look real?" Alice and Esme would simply just answer to all the questions, "online," because, honestly, you probably _could _get them online. The people who worked at the theater were getting angry, they said Esme and Alice and other Twi-Hards were so loud, they could hear them from inside one of the theater rooms.

Finally, at 11:00, the people let them in. Esme and Alice ran to get good seats; they got the best seats which were in the very middle of the theater. Alice clapped excitedly when the previews started. The Harry Potter preview came on and Alice went "BOOOOO!" but was shushed when she was hit on the arm by Esme. "What? Vampires can totally kick wizards' butts!" Alice whispered.

The movie started with Bella talking, and Alice squealed and a lot of people "Woo!"d and clapped. In the scene where it shows the Cullens walking through the window, Alice spazzed in her seat because she saw Jasper. She LOLd when Jessica said "She's with Jasper, the blonde who looks like he's in pain."

"Ha ha! Because he _is _in pain! Because he has to smell all the humans!... aww poor Jasper! I can't believe Jessica thought I was weird… awww…" Alice babbled. She was quiet for most of the movie except for these parts:

The first time they showed Carlisle, Esme actually was a little loud…"Woo!!! It's my man! Oooh look at _him _he is SMOKIN! Well, they sure picked Carlisle good!"

When Rosalie broke the bowl Alice yelled "Rosalie! You're a jerk!" Then giggled like she was insane.

When Jasper said "It's a pleasure to meet you." And Movie Alice went "its okay Jasper. You won't hurt her," Alice squealed and said "Oh my goodness, Jackson is very good for Jasper! His hair is still a little crazy though…"

And when the baseball scene came on (her favorite scene, she decided), she clapped and "woo"d when it was Jasper's turn with the bat. She was totally quiet for the rest of the movie that Esme wasn't sure if she was having a 30 minute vision or something. A girl next to them was sobbing her eyes out when the meadow scene was on **(which was only 10 seconds…;'[ the sobbing girl was meh!)**, saying "Why?! Why did they have to ruin it?!" Alice felt bad for her and wished Jasper was there to calm her down. When the movie ended with Victoria and her mad face, Alice and Esme stood up and were the first to start clapping.

"Woo!!! Victoria goes all bad-ass!!!!" They heard the girl who was sobbing say. They waited till the very end of the credits, hoping there was a clip at the end. So was the girl who was sobbing and her friend. On the way back to the Cullen's (which was only about 3 minutes long), Alice babbled about the movie, saying what they could have done way better. Esme agreed to some of the things they said, and kept saying how Peter Facinelli did perfect as Carlisle.

When they got to the house, Alice and Esme had a "Sleepover" in the basement. Alice danced to "Decode" in her head, singing all the words and Esme and Alice partied until Jasper and Carlisle came in and said they wanted to spend time with their wives (which was at about 6am).

**The end was suckish, I know. But anyhoo, that was like me and my friend Anna except we knew (well I knew) the guy who was dressed up as Edward. He saved us the best seats it was great. He was there since 5:00!!! I was like "Holy Snickerdoodles!!!!"**

**Anyhoo, review!**

**Hey that rhymed! hehe**


	3. Disney Store game

**Esme, Alice, and Rosalie play the Disney store game**

**Kay so this was me, my friend Jori, and Anna. We went to the mall and we were like all awesome so just read! (;**

Rosalie, Alice, and Esme were at the mall (Alice's idea), even though they had no reason. Alice had already bought mostly everything in the mall but she just liked to walk around and look at the things she already has. They skipped into Hot Topic (well Alice skipped, and Esme and Rosalie just walked behind her).

"Look guys!" –Gasp- "They have Edward stuff here! Oh and our Crests! Omigosh how… what… huh?!" Alice said very loudly, pointing at the rack of Twilight shirts and pins and stickers and jewelry and everything awesome like that.

"Fuzzbuckets! I want just me to have my necklace!" Rosalie said, and grabbed all the Rosalie crest necklaces, crushing them into dust, dropping the dust on the floor, and scooting it under the Twilight stand with her foot.

"You're right Rosalie… Must destroy these bracelets!" Esme said, grabbing all the Esme bracelets and repeating what Rosalie did. Alice gasped.

"You guys are right! Alice has gotta destroy these chokers so the Twilighter posers won't get em!" She said, grabbing the Alice chokers and repeating what Esme and Rosalie did. **(A/N - haha I bet you're wondering.. Twilighter posers? Well… loooong story. We'll save it for another chapter! Hurray!")** Esme was the first to walk out, walking as if she was, like, James Bond or something. Rosalie followed her, making her hands a gun and Alice followed, just grinning.

Alice, Esme, and Rosalie walked into Claire's and saw a Twilighter poser!

"Ohemgeezles!!! It's a…a …..a Twilighter poser!" Alice screamed, pointing to the Twilight poser they knew. For some crazy reason, no one heard but Esme and Rose. They both went "Ugh" and turned away from the Twilighter poser.

"Oh goshles it's sour patch kidsles!" Alice pointed to the sour patch kids on the shelf.

"Let's get em!" Rosalie said. Alice reached for the box.

"I don't really like sour patch kids…" Esme said.

"You don't like Sour Patch Kids?!!?!?!" Rose and Alice said at the same time. Esme shook her head. "STORMING!!!!!" They both said, and stomped out of the store.

"We don't even…eat though…" Esme said, but followed them out of the store.

They were walking (slowly) past the Disney store when Esme stopped and said "Hey, guys, wanna play the Disney Store game?"

"What's the Disney Store game?" Alice and Rosalie asked at the same time, stopping next to Esme.

"You have to get to the back of the store and out without any of the employees talking to you." She almost whispered. Alice giggled evily.

"That'll be easy!" She ran into the store and was out in half a second. "There!"

Esme rolled her eyes. "Like a human, Alice." She said.

Rosalie laughed. "That _will _be easy. Let's go." She said with a smile. They entered the store and kind of slid against the wall. Esme looked like she knew what she was doing so Rosalie and Alice just followed her. Alice couldn't stop laughing. They moved on to where the tinker bell stuff was (not even halfway in) and Rosalie hit Alice on the arm to shut up, which only made her laugh harder.

"How are you ladies doing today?" A lady that worked there said.

"Damn you, Alice." Rosalie said, and walked out of the store.

"You're a loser! You made us lose!" Esme said angrily and walked out the store after Rosalie. Alice shrugged and looked at the lady.

"We _were _doing good… but have a great day!" She said and skipped out of the store.

**That was funn!**

**I wanna make a rhyme again!!**

**Uhm…. Lalalalaa loooo why don't you review?! Yeh yeh!!! That was great!!**


	4. The Cullen Llama song!

**Kay so most of these are like things that happened with my friends…. Hahaahahahahahahaha good times good times. This is a chapter with Renesmee so it's like after Breaking Dawn. And Bella is like never mentioned in here since she's like THE MAIN CHARACTER of Twilight. This is for the people who don't really get noticed all that much.. kinda. Oh btw I don't own the Cullen llama song! I just know it (:**

The Cullens (and ick Jacob) hear the Cullen llama song.

The Cullens and Jacob were sitting in the Cullen's living room when they heard their doorbell. Jasper got up and walked to the door, with Alice swinging on his arm. He opened the door and a short, little looking girl was there.

"Hello…. OH…MY….FUZZ ARE YOU JASPER?!" The girl squeaked.

"Yes…" Jasper answered with his SEXY voice.

"Oh, oh… oh DANG you're sexy! I'm Allie… and I wanna sing you a song! Could you get your whole family here, and Jacob if he's here?" Allie said cheerfully.

"Why don't you just come in?" Alice offered, and grabbed her hand. They walked into the living room where everyone was.

"Kay so here it goes! Here's a Cullen, there's a Cullen and another little Cullen, fuzzy Cullen, funny Cullen, Cullen Cullen, Truck. Cullen Cullen werewolf Cullen, grizzly muffin piano Cullen, Cullen Cullen bracelet Cullen, Cullen Cullen truck. I was once a Volvo, Cedward baked a cake, but I never saw the way the Bella kissed the Jake! I was only just undead, Alice told a tale! And now listen Bella, dear, Jacob wags his tale! Did you ever see a Cullen? Kiss a Cullen on the Cullen? Cullen's Cullen taste of Cullen, Cullen Cullen truck. Half a Cullen twice a Cullen, not a Cullen, Newton Cullen, Cullen in a car alarm a Cullen, Cullen truck. Is that how its told now? Aro is so old. Is it made of venom juice, sparkle marble cold. Alice likes to spend the cash, Jacob's out of luck, and in the final chapter he imprints on a duck!!" Allie sang, ran to Jasper and gave him a kiss on the cheek, then ran out the door. The Cullens and ick Jacob stood there, staring after the girl. Jacob turned to Renesmee.

"You're a duck?! I thought you were a loch ness monster!!!!" Jacob put his hand on his cheek, pointed at Renesmee, and squealed. Renesmee looked up at Jacob.

"I'm not a ducky stupid, stupid Jacob… that song lied! Liar song!" Renesmee pointed in the direction Allie ran with her cute little finger.

"That was mean when they said I wagged my tail…" Jacob said sadly, totally ignoring his Duck ness monster girlfriend thingy.

"Well, you do." Rosalie said jerkishly. **(that's not a word? It should be!) **

"Very true…" Jacob said, and howled. Then he ran out the door. Mike came in the house randomly.

"It mentioned my last name! Haha!" He said, then ran out the door as Jacob did. Alice giggled.

"Well, it didn't lie for me. I _do_ like to spend the cash! C'mon, Jasper! Let's go… go… to the MALL!!!!" Alice grabbed Jasper's hand.

"Hot Topic?" Jasper asked.

Alice sighed. "Fine."

"Yippee!" And they skipped off to go to the mall on Jasper's sexy motorcycle (which he never uses cept for now cuz I bet he'd look sexy on it…. Especially if he had his SHIRT OFF! Woooo!).

**Aaaaaaand it's over! This was an idea from one o' my bestest friends, Jori. I really didn't know how to uh… write it. So I hope it's good! **

**Review or I will provoke the Volturi and blame you! (hah, Jori!)**

**That rhymed, TOO!!!**


	5. Alice tries to make Rose say beep

**Woo! Another Chapter!! Hheehehehheheeheheeeeeeeeee soooo THIS particular chapter was inspired by Jori (again? AGAIN!) I'll explain it after you read this. So READ… READ AND ENJOY! Heh I don't own the panic at the disco song in here. **

Alice tries to get Rosalie to say –beep-

"OOOOOOH ROSALIEEEEE!" Alice yelled, running down the stairs in the super duper fast vampire speed.

"Yes, Alice?" Rosalie asked from her room. Alice spun around and ran into Rosalie's room.

"Listen to this song!!!" Alice put her ipod earphone into Rosalie's ear.

"…When the lights are dim and your heart is racing as your fingers touch his skin. I've got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better –beep-. Than any boy you'll ever meet, sweetie you had me-" Brendon Urie sang, but Rosalie cut him off by pausing the ipod.

"That was a very colorful word, Alice." Rosalie said angrily.

"Oh, come on, like you've never said –beep-." Alice replied.

"Actually I haven't. Emmett hasn't either.."

"GASP you've never said –beep- before?!"

"Nope. Ever."

"WHAT?!!" Alice was so surprised. She'd think Rosalie said this word at least ONCE.

"Woopidie doo, I never said it. Kay now leave me alone!" Rose said, pushing Alice out of her room and slamming the door. Alice knocked on her door.

"You gotta say it! People say it all the time! –beepity beep beep beep-! See?" She yelled into the room through the door.

"No I don't. I won't say it." Rosalie yelled back.

"Yes! You gotta! Or I'll get Jasper to go all Emmett on your ass!"

"What? Alice that doesn't make any sense…"

"Just sing it! Technically you're not SAYING it, I mean come on! It's easy! Just go, I've got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better –beep-!"

"No, Alice! I will not say it! Now go away!" Alice sighed in frustration.

_Grarg! I've gotta make Rose say –beep-!!_ Alice thought angrily. She skipped to her room to plot an evil, twisted, but very funny plan.

In Alice's room-

Jasper was there, and Alice was explaining her plan.

"Kay, so you are gonna make Rose as ANGRY as possible so she can say –beep-!!" Alice said cheerfully.

Jasper nodded. "And in return I get…?"

"Uh…. Hm…. I'll pierce your tongue for you!" Alice said. Jasper was too concentrated on….something that he didn't realize that it was pretty impossible to pierce a vampire's tongue.

"Deal!" He said and kissed Alice on the forehead. Alice skipped to Rosalie's room with Jasper behind her.

"OOOOOH ROSALIE! You're gonna get mad in 3…2…1!!!!" Alice squealed and nudged Jasper. Jasper just stood there whistling but Alice could tell he was working his sexy power. Rosalie yanked the door open.

"ALICE! I TOLERATE YOU!!!!" She screamed, and tackled her.

"ROSE! SAY IT! SAY –BEEP-!" Alice screamed, fighting with Rosalie as they rolled down the stairs.

"SO THAT'S WHY I'M THIS MAD?! BECAUSE YOU WANT ME TO SAY THAT COLORFUL WORD?! TELL JASPER TO STOP OR I'LL RIP YOUR HEAD OFF!" Rosalie screeched. Alice stopped and Rosalie stopped, too.

"That's my thing, Rose. You can't do that." She said calmly, then they went back to fighting. "I WILL NOT STOP UNTIL YOU SAY –BEEP-!!!!" She screamed.

So, this went on for about 5 hours until Jasper got tired of controlling Rosalie's emotions and went on his sexy motorcycle (shirtless). Rosalie didn't say –beep- so Alice was in her room, plotting another plan to get Rosalie to say the stinkin' word.

_I know! I'll talk my language and annoy her! Aliceles! _Alice thought. Now _this_ plan was going to work.

The living room!

"Rosalieles!!! What's uples?! Howles areles yousles doingles?!" Alice said, sitting next to Rosalie on the couch with the most cutest and innocent smile in the world.

"Oh, no, Alice. Not Aliceles!" Rosalie groaned.

"Yuples! I'm talkingles Aliceles so yousles can saysles –beep-les!"

" No matter how annoying Aliceles is, I'm NOT saying that word! Just give up, Alice!"

"NOSLES!I'MLES GONNA MAKELES YOUSLES SAYSLES BEEPLES!!! ALICE WILL BE VICTORIOUS!!!" **(hahahahha JORI!) **Alice yelled, and ran up the stairs laughing like a mad man.

-In the kitchen!

Alice skipped into the kitchen. Rosalie was playing with the food in the fridge… don't ask.

"Whatcha doin?!" Alice asked in a very high pitched voice.

"Playin human!" Rosalie answered.

"Why?"

"Cuz I want to."

"why?"

"Cuz it looks fun."

"Why?"

"Cuz…. It's fun pretending to eat!"

"Why?"

"Cuz we can't eat!"

"Why?"

"Cuz that's how Godles made our kind."

"Why?"

"Cuz he felt like it."

"Why?"

"Because… Grarg, Alice, you ruin EVERYTHING!" Rosalie yelled and threw an apple at Alice.

"I KNOW A SONG THAT GETS ON EVERYBODY'S NERVES! EVERYBODY'S NERVES! EVERYBODY'S NERVES! I KNOW A SONG THAT GETS ON EVERYBODYS NERVES AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES…I KNOW A SONG GETS ON EVERYBODY'S NERVES! EVERYBODY'S NERVES! EVERYBODY'S NERVES! I KNOW A SONG THAT GETS ON EVERYBODYS NERVES AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES… I KNOW A SONG THAT GETS ON EVERYBODY'S NERVES! EVERYBODY'S NERVES! EVERYBODY'S NERVES! I KNOW A SONG THAT GETS ON EVERYBODYS NERVES AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES…I KNOW A SONG THAT GETS ON EVERYBODY'S NERVES! EVERYBODY'S NERVES! EVERYBODY'S NERVES! I KNOW A SONG THAT GETS ON EVERYBODYS NERVES AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES…"

"Alice! Shut upo!" Rosalie shouted, and stormed out of the room.

"I KNOWLES A SONGLES THAT GETSLES ON EVERYBODY'S NERVESLES! EVERYBODY'S NERVESLES! EVERYBODY'S NERVESLES! I KNOW A SONG THAT GETS ON EVERYBODYS NERVESLES AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES…" Alice was about to sing the second part to that song in Aliceles but Rosalie shushed her.

"FINE! FINE FINE FIIIIINE! –BEEPITY BEEP BEEP BEEP-! ARE YOU –BEEP-ING HAPPY?! YOU'RE SO –BEEP-ING ANNOYING! LEAVE ME THE –BEEP- ALONE!!! -BEEEEEEP-!" Rosalie yelled.

Alice grinned wider, than wider, than even WIDER. "I am EXTREMELY happy!!! I'm gonna go make Emmett say it now!!" And little Alice skipped off to annoy Emmett to death.

**Yeah so Jori has never dropped the f bomb before its crazy!!!!!! Lol that's basically the explanation! Hope you liked that… it was kinda long but what can ya do?**

**Review or I will annoy you to death… ooo!**


	6. Cullens help pierce Jasper's tongue

**The Cullens try to pierce Jasper's tongue. **

**Wooo! Continuation… kinda… of of of the Chapter before this! Remember? When Alice was all like "I'll pierce your tongue!" Yeah that's this cept the Cullen's are gonna help. Not just Alice. Cuz it's kinda impossible… so just read it! Read it and LOVE IT!! No I'm totally kidding, you can love it only if you want to love it (:**

Alice in Jasper were in Jasper's room, Alice on Jasper's lap.

"Hey, remember you said you would pierce my tongue if I helped you make Rosalie say –beep-?" Jasper asked randomly. Alice's head was on his shoulder and she started cracking up.

"Uh-huh. Do you realize that's like impossible?!" Alice said through her giggles.

"What?" Jasper's face fell and he looked like a little kid who just found out santa wasn't real.

"Jasper…. You pierce a vampire's tongue. The little sharp thingy isn't strong enough."

"Can we try?" He asked in a small voice. Alice exhaled loudly.

"Fiiiiine." She got up off Jasper's lap and opened the room door. "Emmett! Carlisle! Esme! Rosalie! Bella! Edward! Renesmee! Jacob! Jasper wants to pierce his tongue!" She yelled. From where they were, Alice and Jasper heard 8 people laugh. "Oh c'mon like we have anything better to do!" The laughing stopped and in the next second, everyone was in front of Alice.

"Let's do this thing!!!" Emmett shouted. Mike was there, too for some reason.

The Cullen's living room-

The Cullens and Jacob had set up a little tongue piercing station. There was a table that looked like the ones in a dentist's or doctor's office, and on that table there were things that included 100 silver studs, a nail gun, and Alice. Jasper sat on a chair and the Cullens (and Jacob) surrounded him.

"Jacob needs to die.." Rosalie murmured to herself randomly.

"Kay let's do this!" Alice squealed. Edward was spinning around in circles… and Bella was looking at him like he was an idiot (which he was). So then Bella and Edward left cuz they're too important to be in this chapter. Jacob left with Renesmee cuz they're too important, also. So it was just Esme, Carlisle, Emmett, Rosalie, Mike, and Alice trying to pierce Jasper's tongue.

"We'll start with the nail gun." Carlisle said. Esme picked up the nail gun.

"Okay, Jasper, open your mouth!" She said. Jasper obeyed and opened his mouth, super duper wanting a tongue ring.

"Won't that hurt? Or like, kill him?" Mike asked, obviously not knowing they were vampires.

"Why are you here, Mike?" Rosalie asked him.

"I invited Mikey to make Eddie Boy jealous!" Emmett said loudly.

"Edward's gone." Rosalie said angrily.

"Very true…" Emmett bit his lip. "But Mike is awesome! So he can stay!" He cheered.

"Kay whatever."

Esme put the nail gun directly on Jasper's tongue and pulled the trigger. There was a loud noise and Esme pulled the gun away. The nail was on Jasper's tongue, but it was, like, crushed.

"Dammit!" Jasper said, but it was hard to understand. He spat the crushed nail out. "NEXT!"

"Kay let's try just punching the stud in." Emmett suggested. Meanwhile, Mike stood there watching in awe. Emmett picked up the teeny stud in his hunormo hand. "Open your mouth, Jazz." He said. Jasper obeyed again, kind of smiling this time. Emmett set the little stud (pointy end down) on Jasper's tongue and he literally tried PUNCHING it in. There was a reeeeally loud noise and Jasper was on the ground, sitting on a broken chair.

"Wait shouldn't he be, like, BLEEDING to death?!" Mike yelled. "There's something weird about you Cullens! I'm running and telling every-" Rosalie flicked his head and he fell to the floor.

"Did you just kill Mike?" Esme asked her.

Rosalie shrugged. "Guess so."

"Did it work?!" Carlisle asked. Jasper spit out the crushed ear stud. "Guess not."

"Urgles!!! Let's try Alice!" Esme said while Emmett and Rosalie dragged Newton into the basement.

"Yesles!!!" Alice hopped down from the table danced over to Jasper. "Open you mooouth!" She sang and grinned. When Jasper opened his mouth, Alice leaned in and kissed/bit Jasper. Well she bit his tongue. He pushed her away.

"OUCHLES!!! MY TONGUE!!! IT BURNS!!!!! OUCHLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Jasper screamed, covering his mouth with his hand.

"Oh… Sorry Jasper! Guess it's impossible to pierce your tongue, bye!!!" Alice yelled, then ran up the stairs trying to hold back laughing.

"Kay bye!" Carlisle said and ran after Alice.

"…. That's gotta hurt…" Esme said quietly, then disappeared.

"Damn that Alice." Jasper grumbled.

**Hahah weeeelll that one wasn't that good. I just liked Mike in there. It makes RosieLee happy :P so review and be awesome like that!! I'm runnin outa things that rhyme with "view"… **


	7. Alice and Jasper's fight

**Alice and Jasper's fight**

**Kay so I've just been having a bunch of ideas lately!!! Enjoy this one… hehhehe**

Jasper and Alice were sitting in the living room on the couch when Alice just burst.

"JASPER! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU!" She screeched.

"What?" He asked, looking like he was going to cry if it were possible.

"I'M SICK OF YOUR….YOU! YOU SICKEN ME! YOU SHOULDN'T OF TOOKEN MY HAND AND DRAGGED ME AROUND JUST BECAUSE YOU NEEDED SOMETHING BETTER!!!!"

"YOU'RE THE ONE THAT HELD OUT YOUR HAND!!!!!!"

"I HELD OUT MY HAND BECAUSE I WANTED A HIGH FIVE!!!!"

"BUT I FELT HOPE!!!!"

"TOO –BEEP-ING BAD!"

"ALICE!! STOP THIS NONSENSE!!!!"

"NO!"

"BUT YOU LOVED ME!!!!!!! I COULD FEEEEEEEL IT!!!!!"

"DON'T START THAT CRAP WITH ME, JASPER!!! YOU ALWAYS CONFUSE LOVE WITH HATE!"

"NO I DON'T!!! I KNOW EDWARD LOVES ME!!!!"

"ARE YOU KIDDING?! HE –BEEP-ING HATES YOU! SEE?"

Edward came in the room and slapped Jasper. "I hate you." He said, and walked out of the room.

"WELL." Jasper said, infuriated.

"See I told you…"

"BUT WHY DID YOU GO TO THE DINER AND WAIT FOR ME IF YOU HATED ME?!"

"I TOLD YOU! I WANTED A HIGH FIVE YOU IDIOT!"

"THAT'S IT! I'M GOING ON MY MOTORCYCLE WITH NO SHIRT ON!!!!!!!"

"Kay, be careful." Alice said sweetly.

"I will, honey."

"Love you."

"Love you, too."

**Haha…. Review!**


	8. Screamage

**Screamage!!! **

**Yes, screamage….. (:**

Rosalie walked up to Edward and tapped him on the shoulder. Edward spun around and screamed exactly like a little girl.

**And it's done!!! Hahahaahahahaahhahaaha very short, but it makes a pretty hilarious mental image if you just picture it the way I did. So review or I'll….I'll…. do something… very… baaad.**


	9. Rosalie gets braces

**Rosalie gets braces**

**Hey its another one about JORI!!!! Hahahhahahaha I love ya!**

"Rose, Baby, Uhm….. why do you have metal things on your teeth?" Emmett asked Rosalie when she came into his room.

"I'm playing human, Emmett!" Rosalie explained.

"Rose… what are those?"

"Braces! Duh! Humans get them to make their teeth look better."

"… You're teeth are perfect."

"Yes, I know, Emmett but I'm playing human. I even used Alice's credit card to make her mad like a real human sister would do." Rosalie sighed. Esme walked in and narrowed her eyes towards Rosalie's mouth.

"Am I being delusional again? Or does Rose have braces on?" She asked Emmett.

"I got braces!" Rose said.

"Why?"

"Because I'm playing human, mother." Rosalie said and sounded like she was 5.

"Oh… Okay then…" Esme said, and backed away slowly. Rosalie turned to Emmett.

"Let's hunt." She said and grabbed Emmett's wrist. "It's okay, humans eat with these all the time." Emmett followed Rosalie kind of chuckling to himself.

-After the hunting trip-

Jacob walked in the room and started laughing so hard, he fell and was gasping for air. Rosalie was on the couch with Emmett, trying to pick the leftover fur from her hunting trip out of her braces. When Jacob came in and started laughing, it made Rose infuriated.

"Shut up Juh-Cab!" She yelled, and threw Emmett at Jacob. Emmett crashed into him, and Jacob's bones were crushed. "HAHA! I AM VICTORIOUS!" Rose shouted, then went back to trying to get the fur out of her teeth. "URG!!!!! I GIVE UP!" She got up and ran up the stairs.

"Aww! Come on! Don't give up!" Emmett yelled and followed Rosalie. Meanwhile, Jacob was on the floor like twitching. Esme came in.

"Oh my! Do you need a vet?!" She asked… then laughed and went to her room. Alice and Jasper skipped in, Alice's face twisted into a mad expression. She kicked Juhcab when she walked by him, breaking another one of his bones, then skipped up the stairs to Rosalie's room. Jasper walked by Jacob and kicked him in the head, breaking his… head bone.

"You're stupid." He said and followed Alice.

-In Rosalie's room-

Rosalie was dry sobbing, saying how the braces made her look not as beautiful as she is.

"Just destroy them, Rose." Emmett suggested. Rosalie stopped dry sobbing and looked at Emmett with wide eyes.

"YEAH GREAT IDEA!" She said, then she punched herself in the mouth, making the braces turn into dust and fall out of her mouth. "Yay! I'm stunningly beautiful!" She said as she looked in the mirror smiling. Alice yanked the door open at that moment and slapped Rosalie across the face.

"THE NEXT TIME YOU USE MY CREDIT CARD I'M GONNA LEAVE YOU IN ANTARCTICA!!!" She yelled, then stomped out of the room.

**Eh. I didn't really like it… but reviewles and suggest stuffles! **


	10. The Cullens watch Dora

**The Cullens watch Dora**

**Wow this is like the 50 millionth one that has something to do with JORI! She thought of this cuz I was watching Dora and she was like "MIMI! YOU SHOULD MAKE A FANFIC WHERE THE CULLENS WATCH DORA!" and im like "YEAH TOTALLY!!" so here it is (:**

Emmett skipped into the room with Alice (a first).

"Let's watch DORA!!!!" Emmett shouted and Alice clapped. Esme, Carlisle, Jasper, and Rosalie walked into the room.

"Kay." They all said. Like the Cullens had anything better to do with all the free time. Emmett turned on the TV while everyone else sat down in front of it. The channel was already on Nickelodeon, and Dora was just starting.

"Doo-Doo Dora, Doo-doo Dora! Doo-doo Dora doo-doo Dora! Swiper no swiping, Swiper no swiping! OH MAAAAAN! DORA THE EXPLORER!!!" Emmett sang along to the theme song. Rosalie pulled out a banana from her pocket and threw it at him.

"Who threw that feather?!" He screamed, but let it go when the show started. Through the whole thing, the Cullens sat there with different expressions on their faces. When the Map song came up Alice was entertained, Jasper was disgusted, Esme was… delusional, Carlisle was amused, and Rosalie was angry. When the backpack song came on, same expressions. What really got them to those expressions was how Emmett knew every word to the all the songs. Finally, the show was almost over.

"What was your favorite part?" Dora asked the Cullens from the TV.

Jasper spoke up. "My favorite part was when you shoved your monkey up your-"

"I liked that, too."

"HEY! THERE WILL BE NONE OF THAT TOWARDS DORA!" Emmett yelled. Jasper mocked Emmett.

"Ther wiw be none of dat towardth Dowa!"

"YOU RUIN EVERYTHING, JASPER!" Emmett ran up the stairs. Jasper just sat there, then he took the banana Rosalie threw at Emmett and threw it at the TV.

"Screw you, Dora." He said calmly, and went to tease Emmett some more.

**Kay so kinda short and kinda bad but at least theres one funny part. Well to me it is (:**

**So review and I'll let you pet Jacob cuz he's in my closet, tied up with string.**


	11. Edward is hurt

**Edward is hurt**

**Hahahaha sooo… just letting you know before you read, "Allie" is me. This one's written differently. Like in script form. But it's the only one like this.**

Setting: Jasper and Edward are on the couch, watching TV for no apparent reason. The others are shopping for muffins.

_The doorbell rings and Edward get's up to open the door. Allie is at the door and walks in randomly._

Allie: Hello, Edward.

Edward: You're intoxicated by my very presence

Allie: EEEEEEEE!

Edward: Uhhhh…

Allie: EEEEEE! It's JASPER!!!!!

Edward: [hurt] what?

Jasper: Heyhey!

Allie: EEEE! [runs to Jasper]

Edward: [still hurt] But… but what about me?!

Jasper: [grin]

Allie: EEE! I LOVE YOU JASPER!!!!

***

Allie: [sings] Jasper's too sexy for his shirt, too sexy for his shirt, so sexy it HURTS!!!

Jasper: [smexy grin]

Edward: [hurt] I thought I was… too sexy for _my_ shirt… [sniffle]

***

Jasper: Hey!

Allie: HEY OH MY GOODNESS!!!

Jasper: [smexy grin]

Allie: Screw Edward! I want JASPER!!!

Jasper: [wider smexy grin]

Edward: but I thought… I was… supposed to be the one who everyone loved! WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THE WORLD?!

***

Setting: _Allie is on the set of Twilight. So are the Cullens._

Edward: Hey Allie! What are you doing here?

Allie: [annoyed] watchin' Twilight

Edward: That's cool, that's cool…

Allie: Yuples.

Edward: So uh you like what you see?

Allie: Yeah, sure could you go get your brother?

Edward: [hurt] you're supposed to want ME! MEEEEE! [Runs off dry sobbing]

***

Setting: Allie is on the set of Twilight and is wearing a piano belt.

Edward: [comes up to Allie and starts pretending to play Allie's piano belt] Dadadadadaaaaaaa daddadadaaaaaddada-

Allie: [interrupts] _What _ are you doing?

Edward: [still pretending to play] playin' pianoooooo!!!

Allie: [slides away] Yeah, go get your brother.

Edward: [growls] You know what?! SCREW you and your STUPID love for Jasper! I've got Bella! So…. THERE!!! HAH! [Runs off dry sobbing]

**Lol I'm always thinking of situations if I met Edward and told him I liked Jasper more. Cuz like everyone loves Edward sooo… yeahhh**

**REVIEW!!!!! (if you want)**


	12. What's behind the door?

**What's behind the door?**

**Wooohoosles! Pokay well this chapter was inspired by my SISTER actually. She was being an idiot. It was hilarious. Enjoy!**

Emmett walked into Jasper's room.

"Behind the door." Jasper said quietly. He was turned away from Emmett in one of those chairs you see in the mysterious movies.

"What?" Emmett asked. He looked behind the door. There was a painting of a face.

"Behind the door!"

"What? You mean the face?"

"No. You _know_ what's behind the door, Emmett." Jasper said, getting angry.

"What's behind the door?" Emmett asked. Jasper spun his chair around and stood up.

"THIS!" He yelled. Emmett screamed.

**Hahahaaha so Emmett was me and Jasper was my sister. Well the things we said. It was EXACTLY like that. It was so funny though cuz it was completely random… :D**

**Reviewwwwwww (:**


	13. Noodles

**Noodles**

**This is totally random…. I'm makin it up as I go.**

Jasper ran into the house, breathing fastly for no reason.

"NOODLES!!!!!!!!!!" He screamed. No one answered. "I SAID NOODLES!!!!!!"

"What?" Alice yelled from upstairs. Jasper ran to her room.

"Noodles." Jasper said more calmly.

"What about noodles, Jasper?"

"NOOoOOOOOOOODLES!" Jasper yelled and ran away to Emmett's room.

"EMMETT!"

"WHAT?"

"NOOODLES!!!!"

"NOOOOOODLES!!!" Emmett and Jasper ran to Rosalie's room together.

"NOOODLES!" They both yelled.

"What the FUZZ, Emmett?!" Rosalie yelled back.

"NOOODLES!" Emmett yelled.

"Nooooodles!" Jasper yelled.

"Ugh, you guys are freaks. I'M PLAYING HUMAN LEAVE ME ALOOOOOONE!"

"NOODLES!" Jasper and Emmett yelled and ran out of the room to the kitchen.

Jasper walked into the kitchen. Esme was there.

"Noodles." He whispered.

"WHAT?" Esme yelled.

"NOODLES, MOTHER!" Emmett yelled.

"FINE!" Esme pulled out a box of noodles and handed it to Jasper.

"ME!" Emmett yelled.

"You're going to be a good boy and SHARE!" Esme yelled back at Emmett.

"Grarg!" Emmett snarled and followed Jasper, who was admiring the box of noodles and walking to his room.

"Noooooodles." He whispered, rubbing the noodle box. Jasper went into his room and slammed the door.

"MOMMY SAID TO SHARE!" Emmett yelled through the door.

"NOODLES!" Jasper yelled. He opened the box of noodles and poured them out the window. "Bye bye. Noodles."

**It suckles! *sob* I couldn't think of anything so I just did something RANDOM…. Like noodles.**

**Review and tell me if I should keep it or replace it cuz it suckles. **


	14. Cawlisle Wefuses

**Carlisle refuses to talk with the letter "R"**

**Yeah, random, but it happened with me and my friend ANNA (woohoosles!) , it was originally me (which would be Alice) who didn't wanna talk with the letter "R" but I decided to give the limelight to CARLISLE (cuz Esme totally threatened to make Jasper go all Emmett on my ass if I didn't give her man some attention!!! No I'm totally kidding) anyhoosles, enjoy!**

Carlisle was in his room. He was on his computer.

_Hmmm I am extremely bored. I'm deciding to not talk with the letter R today!!_

Carlisle stood up just as Alice walked through the door.

"That is the stupidest decision I've ever seen!" She said, and ran out the door. Carlisle shrugged and ran downstairs to the kitchen where Rosalie was pretending to eat an orange.

"Hello Wosalie!" Carlisle said grinning.

"Carlisle why are you talking like that?" Rosalie asked jerkishly.

"Because, Wosalie, I wefuse to talk with the letta owoo today"

"The letter owoo?"

"OWOO!"

"… You're a freak." Rosalie said and took her "half eaten" orange up to her room.

"Edwaaaaaad! Whew awe you buddy!" Carlisle called.

"Up here, in my room, father!" Edward called back. Carlisle ran up to Edward's room. Bella was there.

"Hello, Bella, Edwad." Carlisle said grinning.

"Carlisle, if you're going to be stupid, we're going to leave." Edward said angrily.

"Awww Edwaaad don't be like that! Stay heya and have fun!"

"That's it. I'm leaving. Come on, Bella." Edward sighed and pulled Bella out of the door.

"JASPAAAAAAAAAAA!" Carlisle yelled.

"Yes?" Jasper was there in front of Carlisle in the next second, holding a piece of Rosalie's orange.

"Hello, Jaspa. How you doin today! Awe you glad I didn't say banana!"

"What?"

"I wuv woo, Jaspa."

"Shut up or I'll make you eat this onion." Jasper held up what was clearly, an orange.  
"Don't you mean owange?"

"This is an onion, Carlisle"

"It's an owange, Jaspa!"

"Onion."

"Owange."

"Onion."

"Owange"

"Banana."

"Peach"

"Banana"

"Peach"

"Onion"

"Owange! Jaspa it's an owange!!!!" Carlisle almost slapped him in the face.

"It's an ORANGE, Jasper!!!!!" Alice called from the room above. Jasper let out what sounded like a 5 year old scream/cry/whine and stormed out. Esme came into the room.

"What's wrong with dear Jasper?" She asked.

"He thought the owange was an onion! Silly Jaspa" Carlisle chuckled.

"Why are you talking like that?"

"Because I wefuse to talk with the letta owoo today."

"There is no letter owoo, Honey"

"OWOO!"

"That's not a letter."

"LETTER R!" Carlisle screamed, then froze. "Damn you, woman!" He yelled, and stomped out of the room.

**Okay sorry for the suckiness. I thought this would be funny but when I started writing it I was like "Eh." (It all Jori's fault she forced me to put another chapter up .) Soooo, as I did for noodles, review and tell me if I should replace it. **


	15. Z Formation

**Z formation**

**So I'm giving everyone personalities and stuffles and so Jasper's first. Uhm some I already showed. For example, Rosalie likes to play human and all that Jazz. Hehe Jazz. As in Jasper's nickname… (: oh and I think this was Jori's idea, Idk but I'm pretty damn sure it is. XP **

Esme was on the couch, watching TV. Often she would rock back and forth. Jasper came in and watched her rock back and forth.

_Wow, Momma's weird. _ He thought.

"Hey! I heard that!" Esme yelled at Jasper.

"Wh-what?" Jasper asked. Esme started giggling madly. She started to scare Jasper, so he went up to Alice's room.

"Hello, Jasper!" Alice greeted him.

"Hey hey"

"You're hair needs to be different." Alice said as she combed through Jasper's hair with her fingers.

"Oh no you di-int just diss my hair." Jasper pursed his lips and moved his head in a circular motion.

"Oh yes I di-id just diss your hair!" Alice snapped in his face.

"Don't make me snap my fingers in a Z-fo-may-tion!" As Jasper said that, he did indeed snap his fingers in a z formation. "GASP!" Jasper dropped his jaw and put both hands in front of his mouth in a very feminine gesture. "Oh em gee…. Alice… Let's freakin' go shopping!"

"OKAY!" Alice squealed. And so, Jasper and Alice went shopping, and Jasper didn't even go in Hot Topic. This was the start of something new. (They watched High School Musical afterwards)

**Wooo! Oh yeah, I did some of Esme's personality in here. Can you guess what it is? XP don't worry, there will be a whole chapter for her personality. Comin' up next!**

**Reviewww (if you have something tah say) **


	16. Esme's Delusional!

**Esme is delusional**

**HAH! WOO!**

Esme was in Carlisle's office, looking through his files. Alice and Rosalie walked in.

"Hello mother dearest, what are you doing?" They asked at the same time, it was kind of creepy. Esme giggled insanely.

"heehehehehhee" Esme picked up a green folder. "This folder is pink!" She exclaimed. Alice flitted to her side.

"No, Momma, this folder is green. GRREEEEEEN." Alice pointed to the folder. Esme threw the folder down and walked out of the room, spinning around and laughing at the ceiling. Alice and Rosalie followed. Esme stopped, put her hand on her cheek and pointed up.

"I see pie!" She yelled. Alice and Rosalie eyed each other and then looked up. No pie.

"Where? Esme! You're delusional!" Rosalie said and patted Esme's shoulder.

**Woooo! Kay so this actually happened, cept it was written down on a folder. And it was really funny because me Anna and Jori had different color markers and I stole Anna's and wrote "This folder is pink!" and "I see pie!" just to make her have something wrong with her (: **

**So review if you have something to say and I will love you forever!**


	17. Jasper the fashion model

**Jasper the fashion model!!!**

**Heeee this'll be fun. Watch it end up all suckish cuz I have a great idea, and I'm like "yeah this'll be fun writing this" and then it turns out to be totally STUPID! Hah. All of them are stupid! Silly me! Anyhoosles, I am just typin down words here so don't attack me if it sucks!**

Alice and Jasper were in Alice's room. Jasper was twirling in front of the mirror, checking himself out.

"Heeeeeee ah am sex-ay." Jasper said in a girlish voice. (It's his own voice… just, well you know how flaming gays talk)

"Yes, Jasper, yes you are." Alice said as she sewed colorful fabric together with her sewingawesomeness3000 machine.

"Alice…"

"Yes…?"

"You need a makeover"

"GASP! Jasper! How dare you say such a thing!" Alice hopped up from her seat and slapped Jasper.

"That didn't hurt, Alice"

"Ugh! Jasper just… go away and never come back!" She stormed out of the room.

"Oh, dear." Jasper whispered. He looked over at what Alice was sewing. "gasp… it's it's…. I have an idea!" He thought to himself. Alice came back up and jumped on Jasper's back.

"What a wonderful idea!!!" She squealed. "I'm helping!"

"Wait, we need sour gummy worms." Jasper said, deep in thought.

"…Why…?" Alice asked as she climbed down Jasper.

"Because they're AWESOME!!!!"

"OKAY!" And Alice and Jasper skipped off to get some sour gummy worms.

In the kitchen

"Mother Esme! Dinner is ready!" Rosalie called. Esme came running in.

"Fire! Fire! FihihihihiiiiieerrrrrRR!" Esme screamed hysterically.

"Where? Esme! Where's the fire!!! Omygaawd whereee is the fire?!"

"Over theheheher!" She pointed to the wall.

"… Esme… are you being delusional again?" Just then Jasper busted in with a very colorful skin-tight dress that went no lower than his mid-thigh.

"AAAAAAAAH!" Esme screamed and ran away. Carlisle came in and looked at Jasper very carefully.

"Jasper… what…?"

"Father, as of today and only today, I am a FASHION MODEL!!!!" Runway music started to play and Alice came in with a microphone.

"This is Jasper Hale wearing one of my favorites. It's called 'A Colorful Dress For Jasper' and was made by ME, Alice Cullen!!" Alice gestured toward Jasper, who was walking through the kitchen very awesomely. He had his hands on his hips and as he walked, he moved his hips side to side.

"WAAAAAAAIT!" Carlisle screamed, and the music stopped playing. Jasper froze and glared at Carlisle.

"You interrupted my cat –."

Carlisle interrupted. "If you're going to be a fashion model, you're going to do it the RIGHT WAY!" He gestured Alice, Rosalie, and Jasper to follow him into the living room. Emmett was skipping in a circle singing "Ring around the rosie"

"Ashes, Ashes, we all fall…." He stopped skipping and looked at Carlisle, Alice, Rosalie, and Jasper. "Papa, why is Jasper wearing a dress?" He asked in a little-kidish voice.

"Beat it, Emmett, we got a fashion show to produce!" Rosalie said jerkishly. (Why, she does that a lot, doesn't she?)

"FINE! NOBODY LOVES MEEE!" Emmett screamed, and stormed up the stairs.

"Okay! Let's get this show on the roooooad!" Carlisle said and snapped two times. In 2 and a half seconds, Rosalie built a runway with lights and curtains.

"YAY! SANTA DOES EXIST!" Jasper yelled, and put his hand on his heart.

"You…just saw Rosalie do that." Alice said, confused.

"No I didn't."

"Yes… you did…"

"Yeah, but Christmas is coming so I had to mention Santa." Jasper whispered.

"Rosalie, Lights!" Carlisle yelled. Rosalie pressed a button and the lights came on. "Jasper, say you're a fashion model again!"

"I'm a FASHION MODEL!" Once again, runway music came on and Jasper hopped on the stage and walked down it as he did before. Alice was backstage, ready to give Jasper his second outfit. Jasper spun at the end of the runway and headed back to where Alice was. He quickly changed into a blue tank top, with a black skirt and a jacket thrown over his shoulder. This time, Jasper posed at the end of the runway… or catwalk… whatever it's called.

"Jasper is wearing another one of my favorites called 'Tank Top With A Skirt And A Jacket For Jasper' also made by ME, Alice Cullen."

Esme ran in, then, screaming hysterically. "Jaaaasper! Take that off!! AAAH!!!" Her screaming made the song "Too Sexy For My Shirt" to play. Jasper spun around fastly and was in a button-down shirt and slacks all of a sudden.

"I'm too sexy for my shiiirt, too sexy for my shiiirt, so sexy it HURTS." He sang along, while he started to unbutton his shirt. He danced along and eventually ripped his shirt off, then kept dancing. Alice whistled. Esme screamed. Carlisle ran, and Rosalie covered her eyes.

So Jasper went from a fashion model to a stripper. Alright!!

**Idk? Good? Bad? I need to know!!**

**Review (:**


	18. Uberman!

**Uberman!**

**Oh em jay wouldya look at that… this chapter was actually Megan's idea!.... well it wasn't her idea but hmmmm she inspired it.. yeah let's go with that (: **

Alice, Jasper, Emmett, and Esme were in the Cullen's living room. They were watching…. SUPERMAN RETURNS! (Queue music)

"Oh my gawd Superman is freaking SEXY!!" Alice squealed when Superman flew to save the people in the plane/rocket thing. And when he said "Goodnight Louis." She said "Awwww why can't he say that to ME?! Just the way he says it is just aaah amazing…"

"Alice, Superman isn't real." Jasper said, jealous that Superman was catching Alice's attention and Jasper wasn't. **(A/N – Jasper's normal in this one. I wasn't really likin his gayness… so we'll make it a phase… yeah it was a phase ;])**

"Jasper! How could you say such a thing?! You don't know! Everyone thinks we aren't real, you know VAMPIRES! But I'm pretty sure we're real! 'Cause I'm here and you're here and other vampires exist! You know what? I have a new found love for Superman!" Alice said, and dashed up the stairs to make posters and t shirts and decorate her room all Superman-ee.

"No! Alice no!" Jasper reached his hands out to try to catch her but she was already up in her room. "Damn it."

"It's okay, brother! Superman isn't real. Don't be jealous of a fictional character!" Emmett said, grinning.

"I must stop this!" Jasper said, ignoring Emmett.

"Jazzy baby, hurry down the chimney tonight!" Emmett sang.

"What?"

"I like that song…"

"eh. I must stop this!" Jasper said again, hoping for a more normal answer.

"Well how, bro?"

"I have an idea…." Jasper said mischievously, and whispered what the idea was in Emmett's ear.

Esme stared at Jasper.

"Wh-what…?" Jasper asked when he was done telling his idea to Emmett.

"Superman is real, Jasper, he is he is. Look he's there! Right there! Right next to you!!!!!" Esme screamed, pointing next to Jasper.

"Delusional..." Jasper murmured.

Alice's room –

In 10 minutes, Alice had made everything she owned (except for her clothes) Superman. She had Superman window curtains, a Superman computer chair, Superman posters, and all the Superman comic books. She even bought Superman pajamas which she would use at night now just because they were Superman.

Alice was sitting on her Superman rug, playing with her Superman doll when Jasper walked in.

"Hey Alice, can I be Superman?" Jasper asked, a little hesitant.

"NO! GO AWAY!" Alice screamed, and threw a Superman decorated orange at him.

"AAAAH! I HATE ONIONS!" Jasper screamed, and ran away. Carlisle came in.

"Alice, can _I _be Superman?" Carlisle asked.

"Father, NO you're too old and… NO!" Carlisle ran away to sulk. Mike walked in.

"Hey Alice, wassup wassup? Can I be Superman?"

"N-…Aren't you supposed to be dead?"

"Well I don't know I just-." Just then Rosalie came in and killed Mike…again… and then dragged him into the basement.

Outside of Alice's room –

"Okay, what's my line again?" Emmett asked Jasper.

"Can I be Superman?"

"I don't know you have to ask Alice."

"That's your line, dumb banana."

"Oh oh. Okay. Can I be Superman? Can I be Superman? I GOT THIS!" Emmett, very confident, walked into Alice's room.

"I'll save you, Alice!" Alice mimicked Superman's voice, making her Superman doll pick up a doll that looked like her. "Oh thank you so much, sexy Superman!" She said in her own voice. "Goodnight, Alice." She said in Superman's voice again.

"Hey best sister in the whole wide world, Alice." Emmett said cheerfully.

"What, Emmett?" Alice asked, annoyed.

"I was wondering… Can I be Uberman?"

"Emmett, it's SUPERMAN. With an S and a P _S_u_p_erman! And no, you—." Alice stopped and grinned. "Emmett… Do you want to be a super hero?" Alice said in a very weird voice.

"YEAH!" Emmett said with excitement.

"Okay you are going to save people! You are UBERMAN!!!!!! Queue music!"

Edward started playing the piano downstairs but stopped. "I'm too important for this chapter. SOB!" He said, and left.

"Okay, Emmett, let's started." Alice said, and shut the door.

In the kitchen –

Rosalie was making dinner. Jasper and Carlisle were leaning against the wall talking. They heard Alice giggle and Emmett's booming laugh.

"What could they be doing? They're not saying anything… just having giggle fits!"

"I don't know but-." Carlisle was interrupted by Alice yelling from upstairs.

"LAIDIES, GENTLEMEN, AND CARLISLE!"

"Hey!"

"I NOW PRESENT YOU WITH FORKS' SUPER HERO, UUUUUBBBEERRRRMAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!" Theme music similar to Superman's started to play and Emmett came flying down the stairs. **(A/N He was on one of those string things that they use in movies and it makes you look like you're flying. I forgot what it's called at the moment.) **

"Dah dahhhh dah dah dah dahhhh!" Emmett/Uberman sang along to his theme music. His costume was similar to Superman's; it had the same design and same colors, but the "s" was replaced with a "u" and the colors were reversed. **(A/N this is my last author's note in this chapter I promise… well second to last because of after the chapter I have to make a rhyme with review which I haven't done in a while but anyhoo, onward- when I say the colors were reversed I mean like his tights were red and his boots were blue and his panties over his tights were blue and his torso part was red and his cape was blue… [=) **

"EEEEMMMETTT! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Rosalie screamed, and ran away.

"Emmett-." Jasper started to say when Emmett flew into the kitchen.

"It's UBERMAN!" Emmett snapped.

"Uh…Uberman… are you actually going to save people?"

"Hale yes!"

"Why did you use my last name?"

"Because… It's awesome." Emmett…Uberman said childishly.

"True." Alice ran down the stairs.

"So, Uberman, what do you hear?"

"Uhhh…Rosalie dry-sobbing… I must help her!" And Uberman dashed off to save Rosalie.

Rosalie's room –

Uberman crashes in.

"Fair maiden, I will save you!" He said in a British accent.

"You're a super hero not a knight!" Alice whispered from behind Emmett/Uberman.

"Oh yeah…" He whispered. "Have no fear, Uberman is here!" Rosalie looked up at Emmett with a sad expression. "Uhhh…How can I save you, Rose?"

"Take that ridiculous costume off!!" Rosalie screamed.

"Okay." Emmett said and took the costume off. And that was the end of Uberman.

**Heh heh heh … uhhh was it good? Eye dee kay. I'm working on getting 20 chapters up here tonight. Well like up to 20… like 2 more after this on. So it can equal 20… yeha so just keep being awesome for me and tell me whatcha think of all three chapters I put up tonight because I have no idea what I'm doing ;)**

**Oh yeah rhyme time… haha that rhymed that's good enough. Review!**


	19. Emoticon Time!

**Emoticon Time!**

**Dang I have NO IDEA what to do for this one... OH WELL! :D**

Esme, Emmett, Jasper, and Rosalie were sitting on Alice's Superman rug when Alice busted in.

"GUYS GUYS GUYS! I got us all…. LG RUMORS!!" Alice said as she threw everyone a different color LG Rumor phone.

"Aren't these called LG Scoops?" Emmett asked, examining his blue one.

"NO, Emmett, THESE are LG RUMORS. Because THESE are from Sprint and SPRINT is BETTER than Alltel."

"It's AT&T, Alice." Jasper said.

"Oh… well still SPRINT is BETTER than AT&T. How 'bout that?" Alice grinned. "So anyhoosles, I have bought you each an individual LG Rumor becaaaause we are going to play with the…. EMOTICONS!!!!!"

Esme spoke up. "What are emoticons? Are they…. ALIENS!"

"No, Esme stop being delusional. Emoticons are little smiley faces that look AWESOME. So set your signature and let's get Emoticon…ing!"

"I don't have time for this, Alice. I have to make lunch." Rosalie said and went to the kitchen. Everybody else set their signature and started texting each other.

Alice to Jasper –

Hey Sexyyy (grinning Emoticon) Superman's lady

Why is ur sig that? (sad Emoticon) Jazzy Boy

Cuz Superman is AMAZING!!! (grin) Superman's Lady

WELL. How would u like MY sig? Wonder woman's Man

Damn u, Jasper. (Mad emoticon) Superman's Lady

CHANGE IT! (mad) Wonder woman's Man

Fine. Happy now? Jasper's Lady

Very. (happy) Alice's Man

Emmett to Esme –

And so I tried pumpkin pie and I realized I DID like it! (grinning emoticon) Uberman Emmett

Emmett, we don't eat... Mother Esme

Yeah…. Uberman Emmett

In the kitchen-

Rosalie took out her LG Rumor and texted Emmett.

Heyhey Emmy wanna do something hot tonight? (grin) Hot&Sexy Rosalie

Like…. An oven…? Uberman Emmett

NO YOU STUPID PEAR! Think… How we knocked out all those cottages… (grin) Hot&Sexy Rosalie

OH! YEAAAAAAH LET'S GO!! (one of these - :O) Uberman Emmett

So Rosalie and Emmett went to go do something hot….

Alice's room –

"Okay this is retarded!" Jasper yelled, and threw his phone at the ground, making it shatter.

"HEY I PAID MONEY FOR THOSE!" Alice screamed.

"So?"

"True…" Alice grinned and threw hers at the ground, as well.

"YEAH FIREWORKS!!!" Esme yelled, and threw hers out the window. Alice and Jasper stared at Esme, scared. They slowly backed out of the room to go find something else to do.

**AH that wasn't very good… I know… … … … OH WELL! :D Reviewwwww**

**Oh yeaaah btw me and Megan were talking about something random and we just started using Emoticons and I was all "Emoticon time! OMJ Fanfic idea!" so yeah… REVIEWWWW (repeated)**


	20. ChChChChiaa

**Ch-ch-ch-chia!**

**Yeah… I dunno….**

"JASPER!" Emmett called from downstairs.

"What, Emmett?" Jasper asked, suddenly right behind him. Emmett spun around.

"LOOK WHAT I GOT, JASPER!! LOOOOOK!!" Emmett yelled.

"A… Chia pet?" Jasper asked.

"YEAH! I wanted a pet so I got one! And all I have to do is water him!"

"Him?"

"YEAH! His name is Chad hahaha get it? CHAD the CHIA pet!?" Emmett was oozing too much excitement.

"Bye." Jasper said and ran away. Emmett ran up to Alice's room.

"ALICE ALICE!"

"Yes, brother?"

"LOOK WHAT I GOT!" Emmett showed Alice Chad.

"OH EM JAY A CHIA PET!!!!" Alice totally flipped out. "Awww he's so cute." She said in a voice that sounded like she was talking to a baby.

"YEAH! I got one for you too!!" Emmett handed her a girl Chia pet.

"EEEE THANKS EMMETT! I'm gonna name you Superman!" Alice took her Chia pet and sat on the floor. Emmett walked cheerfully to Rosalie's room. Carlisle and Rosalie were playing Rock Paper Scissors.

"Har har! I won!" Carlisle rejoiced.

"No you didn't Carlisle…" Rosalie said jerkishly.

"Huh?! I didn't? But I have more fingers out than you! That's not how it works?"

"No."

"Aww… Carlisle walked away to sulk.

"Watcha doin, Rose?!" Emmett asked very loudly.

"NOTHING EMMETT GO AWAY!" She yelled.

"But I have a Chia-." Rosalie slammed the door before Emmett could finish his sentence.

Alice's room –

"There you go, little Superman." Alice said as she watered her Chia pet. "Now. Let's talk shopping. One time when I was shopping, I saw some girl steal something out of my cart! So I followed her and when she bent down to pick up a blouse… BAM! I pushed her over! Aaaah delicious revenge." Alice grinned at the memory. "Has anything like that happened to you?" She asked little Superman. She waited for an answer but it wasn't talking.

"That's okay, take your time."

One week later –

Alice's room –

"Awww you have such pretty hair." Alice said to little Superman as she petted the little leaves on her Chia pet.

"ALICE!" Emmett screamed as he stormed into Alice's room.

"What?" Alice asked, alarmed.

"CHAD DIED!!!" He screeched.

"OH NOES!" Alice put her hands on her cheeks.

"I KNOW!"

"Well… to make you feel you better… I'll throw mine away. It doesn't talk to me about shopping, anyway." Alice sniffed. "Goodbye little Superman." She said, and threw her out the window.

**Yeah.. i dunno...**

**But yaaaay i a****ccomplished my goal! i feel so a****ccomplished!! i just used one word two times in the same sentence WOOHOO!**

**REVIEW (:**

**(that rhymed and i didn't even mean it to HAH)**


	21. Messing With Edward

**Messing with Edward**

**Yeah uhm…this idea is inspired by my iTouch. I love you iJazz Touch (aka Jazzy)! Lilly says hi. She's our guest star for today just cuz (:**

Alice was lying on her Superman rug playing with her brand new iTouch! She had already put pictures of her family on it and made a whole folder for Jasper pictures. She was playing with her scribble application and drawing pink hearts around every picture of Jasper. Lilly walked in.

"Heeeeeyyyy wassup nikkaaaaaa?" Lilly said, busting out her own iTouch.

"_What_ are you doing here?" Alice asked coldly.

"Well… I noticed you had an iTouch and-."

"Rose!" Alice called. Rosalie came in, killed Lilly, and dragged her to the basement where Mike was. Jasper walked.

"Hiya Alice!" He said, grinning.

"Hey Jazzy baby." She said, still drawing hearts around a very very sexy picture of Jasper.

"Watcha doin?" He asked, moving over to Alice to see.

"Drawing hearts around your beautiful face."

"…You got pictures of Edward on there?" Jasper asked, forming a plan in his head.

"Yeah… why?"

"I have a DECIDED idea." Jasper hinted. Alice stared at him. "Future." He coughed.

"Oh right…" Alice's face went blank and when she refocused, she grinned widely. "Brilliant idea, my darling." She said evilly, and they got to makin their plan work.

In the living room-

"How did you sleep?" Edward asked Bella.

"I slept like a big sleepy log, ducky!" Bella said cheerfully.

"What? That doesn't make-." Edward stopped and looked up. "What do you want, Alice?" He asked annoyed. Edward read Alice's mind and stormed up the stairs. Bella shrugged and started dancing to a song in her head; Mr. Orsen Brown by 100 Monkeys **(A/N Whaaaa? You haven't heard of that band? Why, it's sexy Jackson Rathbone's band!) **

Alice's room –

"ALICE!" Edward yelled, furiously. Alice and Jasper were laughing their heads off at the picture on the iTouch screen. With her scribble application, Alice had drawn red piggy tails on a picture of Edward and pink lipstick. It looked realistic so Alice ran down the stairs to show Bella.

"I'm gonna kill you!" Edward screamed but Jasper grabbed him and threw him out the window, then ran after Alice.

"BELLA BELLA BELLA!" Alice called.

"OKAY I DIDN'T MEAN TO! I'M SORRY!" Bella started to sob uncontrollably.

"What?"

"Uh… nothing." Bella said as she instantly stopped crying.

"LOOOOK what Edward does in his free time!!" Alice yelled as she showed Bella the picture of Edward. Bella busted out into laughter and didn't look at Edward the same after that.

***

Edward was playing Bella's lullaby on the piano when Jasper went and sat next to him on the piano bench.

"What are you doing, Eddie-Kins?" Jasper asked.

"Don't call me that and I'm playing piano." Edward said jerkishly as he focused on Bella's Lullaby. Jasper grinned and started playing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" on the side Edward wasn't on.

"Jasper stop you're ruining it!"

"Banana nut muffins are yummy…"

"JASPER!" Edward yelled, but Jasper kept on playing. Giving up, Edward stopped playing. Jasper kept going.

"Jasper." Edward said more calmly.

"Yeah?"

"Onions." Jasper ran away screaming.

… **ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh?**

**Review? Btw Lilly is my stepsister.**


	22. Barbie Girl

**Barbie Girl**

**Credits to The Evil Oreo for the idea (: I didn't know Oreos could be evil… hm…**

Jasper snuck into Alice's room and took a mini skirt, pink tank top, and boots that went up to the knees. He smiled and went down to the kitchen where Esme was cleaning.

"Esme, can I borrow some grapefruits?" Jasper asked when he was in the kitchen.

"How many?" She asked, getting suspicious.

"Just two." Jasper said with a grin.

"Alright!" Esme handed him two grapefruits.

"Wait… these aren't grapefruits."

"Yes they are, Jasper." Esme said sternly.

"Alright, alright." Jasper said and ran up to his room.

5 minutes later –

Jasper twisted and turned in front of his full length mirror, marveling over how great he looked in Alice's clothes. He then put a CD in his stereo and pressed play. "Barbie Girl" started to play. Jasper danced around until the person started singing.

"I'm a Barbie girl, in the Barbie woooorld. Life in plastic, it's fantastic! You can brush my hair"-Jasper combed his fingers through his hair- "Undress me everywheeere"-He put both hands on either side of his "lady chest" and slid them down to his waist- "Imagination, life is your creation!" Jasper started dancing again and then Rosalie walked in, took a grapefruit out of Jasper's shirt and threw it at Emmett.

In Jasper's closet –

"Oh this is SO going on YouTube!" Alice giggled.

**Yeah again thank you The Evil Oreo for the idea. Did I ruin it? Idk… lol. **

**Sooo reviewles and I'll love yousles (:**


	23. Esme thinks she's an alien

**Esme thinks she's an alien**

**Yeah well… uh… you see, … well… hmm… this is… because… and yeah… so…**

Alice skipped into the Cullen's house to find Esme standing very still.

"It's you!" Alice squeaked.

"No… it's an ALIEN!" Esme screamed.

"GAAAH!" Alice almost flipped out but then looked at Esme with narrowed eyes. "Wait, aren't you delusional?"

"I. Am. Not. Delusional!!" Esme screeched and started giggling madly…again.

"You seem angry." Alice said calmly. Esme made this weird angry sound. "Angry people need hugs. Or sharp objects. But I'll give you a hug." Something about Esme's face made Alice back away and not try to give her a hug.

"I WILL EAT YOUR BELLY BUTTON!" Esme yelled. Alice ran away.

**Uhhhhh heh (: reviewww**


	24. Vampire Bruises?

**Vampire Bruises?**

**Anna (Esme, Essie, Essie May) thought of this one! It was right after the convo with the alien she was like "You should make someone think they have a bruise!" and I'm all "AKAY!" so… yeah (:**

Emmett was alone in his room sitting Indian style.

"I'm so bored…" Emmett said. "Sooo bored." He sighed. He turned on the radio and put the station to Radio Disney. Emmett started to sway to the Hannah Montana song. "If we were a movie, you'd be the right guy and I'd be the best friend that you'd fall in love with me…" He sang along, but then got bored of her scratchy ugly chipmunk voice and turned the radio off. Emmett looked down at his arm. There was a slight purple/blue spot on it.

"HOLY SNICKERDOODLES! CARLISLE!!" Emmett yelled. Carlisle ran up the stairs to Emmett's room.

"WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT?"

"I HAVE A…A… BRUISE!"

"Emmett, are you becoming delusional like your mother?"

Esme screamed "A TORNADO!" from downstairs right when Carlisle said that.

"NO! I REALLY DO HAVE A BRUISE!"

"Now, Emmett, that is highly impossible for a vampire to have a-." Emmett showed Carlisle his bruise. "WHAT THE CRAP IT'S A BRUISE! AAAAAAAAAAAAH! WE DON'T HAVE BLOOD THOUGH!!! AAAAAAAAAAAH!" Carlisle screamed and ran away to his panic room. Rosalie walked in.

"What's up with him?" Rosalie asked.

"I HAVE A BRUISE!" Emmett screamed.

"Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait… What the hell?"

"I have a bruise!" Emmett said again.

"Okay that's great but dinner is ready, it's your turn to set the table." And Rosalie walked out. Emmett ran downstairs to where Jasper and Alice were.

"Jasper! Alice!" He yelled. Alice looked up at Emmett.

"Yes, brother?" She asked.

"I have a bruise…" Emmett whispered.

"HAH! RIGHT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH HAHAHA HA!" Jasper laughed and got up. "That's the stupidest thing I have EVER heard. What? Next you're going to tell me that horses are real?" Jasper scoffed and walked away.

"Show me the bruise, Emmett." Alice said calmly. Emmett held out his arm. "Hmmm…" Alice took out a pencil and rubbed the eraser end on Emmett's bruise. The bruise disappeared.

"Whoa… HAH! HAHAHA wow… okay… Hey Carlisle false alarm! You can come out of your panic room now!" Emmett yelled, and went back up to his room to be bored again.

**Heh… review ?**


	25. Pooh and the Cullens

**Pooh and the Cullens**

**Uhhhhh (:**

"Run, run, run as fast as you can. You can't catch me; I'm the ginger bread man!!" Jasper said as he skipped around the living room. Carlisle came in with a book.

"Story time!" Carlisle yelled and Jasper, Alice, Emmett, and Rosalie all sat down Indian style in front of him.

"What's today's story, Daddio?" Alice asked Carlisle.

"Today's story is about Winnie The Pooh!" Carlisle answered, very enthusiastic.

Jasper, Alice, Emmett, and Rosalie all cheered, "YAY!"

So Carlisle read the story to them and it got stuck in Alice's mind.

2 days later –

"CARLISLE!" Alice screamed. Carlisle ran up to Alice's room and he had a frightened expression.

"What, Alice? Do you see the Volturi? Or Victoria? Or toast?"

"No, Father… WE HAVE TO GO MEET POOH BEAR!" Alice squeaked.

"OKAY! LET'S GO!" Carlisle liked Alice's idea. So Alice and Carlisle got to working on trying to find Pooh Bear.

In Rosalie's room –

Rosalie was looking at herself in the mirror when Alice ran in.

"ROSALIE!" She screamed, ran to her, and accidentally pushed Rosalie into the mirror. "Sorry."

"It's okay because now I'm closer to myself." Rosalie said with a grin.

"Akay… Anyhoosles we are going to find POOH BEAR!" Jasper ran up to Alice when he heard her say that.

"But doesn't he live in like the Oakers or something?" Jasper asked.

"No, it's like 100 Woods or something…" Rosalie answered.

"No it's Oak Acres!" Esme jumped in from nowhere.

"No, no it's something with a 100 in it…" Emmett said, coming out of nowhere like Esme did.

"Yes, Emmett, it's deffinately something with a 100 in it." Rosalie.

"Muffin…" Jasper.

"GUYS! It's 100 Acre Woods!" Alice screamed, infuriated.

"Oooooooooh!" Jasper, Rosalie, Esme, and Emmett all said at the same time.

So the Cullens (Minus Edward… oh and Carlisle) went into the woods to find 100 Acre Woods.

"Where's Carlisle?" Esme asked.

"Uhhhh I dunno…" Alice answered and let out a small giggle. "LOOK! UP AHEAD!" Alice pointed to a poorly written sign that said "100 Acre Woods." Everyone ran to it and walked the little path that was behind the sign.

"Oh bother… bother… bother… think think think hunny… yum hunny…" They heard Carlisle saying in a weird voice. When the Cullens got to where they heard Carlisle talking, they found Pooh!

"Oh... do I know you? I must have hunny!" Car-Pooh said.

"Wait… is that you, Carlisle?" Esme asked.

"NO THIS IS NOT CARLISLE! I'm Pooh Bear… You're just delusional!" Carlisle said from inside the Pooh costume.

"No it IS you, Carlisle!" Jasper yelled.

"What the Hale!" Emmett screamed. Jasper and Rosalie gave Emmett the death stare.

"Awe. Carlisle just come out of there…" Alice said quietly and hung her head. Carlisle took his Pooh Bear head off.

"AAH! YOU KILLED POOH!" Esme yelled and ran away screaming.

**Okay so… I have no idea but this was the convo between me and Anna – **

**We were talking on aim and she said something and I was on my itouch so I said "Oooh" but it corrected it to be Pooh so it was like **

**Fanpirealice: Pooh**

**Fanpirealice: I meant Oooh**

**Fanpirealice: Not Pooh**

**Fanpirealice: Even though hes cute…**

**Fanpirealice: OMG! The Cullens meet Pooh Bear… FANFIC IDEA!!**

**Esmedances: Allie Say you have BIG issues **

**(or something like that ^)**

**Fanpirealice: Whyyyy?**

**Esmedances: Pooh? And the Cullens? Do you even need to ask?**

**Yeah so yeah… haha that's where the idea came from. That is my real aim sn so if you have an aim and you want to im me feel free to. That is not Anna's real aim so don't try to im her lol. I didn't know if she wanted me to give her aim out but ANYHOO this A/N is really long so I'll wrap it up by saying review so… RE-**

**Wait wait wait wait wait before I end this authors note I wanna say thank you to everyone who is reading and enjoying this story seriously seeing all of you review and say how funnie it is really makes me want to update like everyday so yeah thanks again you guys I love ya, and so now… REVIEW:P**


	26. Alice yells at Edward

**Alice yells at Edward**

**I was totally just listening to music and I just visualized this. It was awesome.**

Alice walked into Edward's room.

"I HATE YOU, EDWARD CULLEN! GO DIE AND THEN COME BACK SO YOU CAN DIE AGAIN!" She yelled, and then stormed out of his room.

**Okay… (: review if you want to *rhymeage* **


	27. Whoooooooaa

**100 Reviews!**

**Wow! 100 reviews I'm amazed… I didn't know this story would get past 50! So to thank you guys who review and love my story (again) here's a random short chapter. This actually kind of happened with me, Anna, and Jori.**

Alice and Rosalie walked in the Cullen's living room to find Esme on the couch going "Whoooooooooa!" with her hands up.

"Esme…?" Rosalie asked. Esme giggled.

"I'm on a roller coaster! Whoooooooaaa!" She said.

"Oh, Esme…" Alice giggled and sat next to Esme. Rosalie sat on the other side of Esme.

"Whoooooooaa! Come on, guys, do it with me tis fun!" Esme pleaded. Alice and Rosalie looked at each other and shrugged.

"Whooooooaa!" Alice, Rosalie, and Esme yelled.

**Yesssss so that's it. Thanks AGAIN, reviewers! And Review! (unless you're tired of doing so XP)**


	28. Dead Barbies

**Dead Barbies**

**Uhhh my stepbrother who reminds me of Emmett did this… HAHA it was hysterical**

Jasper looked around to see if anyone was looking. When he was sure no one was, he went into his closet and pulled out his big duffel bag of Barbies. He took out a bunch of them and played with them and soon they were all over his area rug in awkward positions. Jasper took out a guy doll right when Alice called him so he put it down next to the area rug.

"Coming!" Jasper said and ran downstairs.

Emmett walked into Jasper's room and stared at the Barbies on the floor. "Oh my god…" He said. Emmett bent down and picked up the guy doll and made it walk around the rug. "Oh my god… All these dead bodies… what happened here? AAAAH! What is this? WHAT IS THIS?!" He made the doll say. Jasper walked in then.

"Emmett…? What are you doing?" Jasper asked.

"…The dead Barbies…" Emmett said quietly, still holding the doll.

"Get out."

"Okay…" Emmett whispered, and walked out of the room.

**Okay well my lil sis was playing with Barbies in the living room and there were a bunch of them all over the area rug so then my stepbrother did that while like 3 people were in the living room and we just started cracking up. it was funnie! So yeah review (:**


	29. Movie Night!

**Movie Night!**

**:D Credits to Megan Geyer for the idea!**

**(There will be lots more from her because she gave me this HUGE list, so im using em when I need to update and have no idea what to do…) ENJOY!!!!!!**

Alice, Jasper, and Emmett were watching SUPERMAN RETURNS… just kidding. They were watching… HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 56!!!! **(A/N HAHA cuz you know they made 1, 2, and 3, and since that was their senior year youd think it would be over now but NOPE, there making a HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 4!! And it will go on and on FOREVER)**

"Yeahhhh we are in loooove and we are different from Troy and Gabriella and all the other couples before us cuz weeeeeee looooove each otherrrrr and weeeee are in a high school muuuusicaaaaaal" Roy and Briell sang. Esme walked in.

"AAAAAH! SINGING!!!!" She screamed, and ran out to her bomb shelter that she built in 2 seconds.

"This is great. Go get popcorn, Jasper." Emmett ordered, very absorbed in the movie.

"Emmett we don't eat." Jasper said and kept watching the movie.

"FINE!" Emmett yelled, got up, and he was back with 3 bowls of popcorn in half a minute. He served the bowls and sat back down, no one touched the popcorn.

5 minutes later

"POPCORN FIGHT!!!!" Emmett yelled as he threw popcorn at Jasper and Alice. They threw popcorn back and soon Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie, Edward and Bella were in the popcorn fight, too.

"HAHAHAH HAHAHAH!" They all laughed loudly. A very loud, throaty, smelly laugh came from under them. The Cullens looked down to see Jacob, and they all stopped. Even the movie paused.

"Alright who invited the puppy?" Jasper asked, and grabbed Jacob by the ear. "Out! OUT I say!!" Jasper yelled as he threw Jacob out the door. Everyone looked at each other.

"POPCORN FIGHT!!!!" Emmett yelled again, and it was like de ja vu.

**YIPEEE!! Well not really but OH WELL I freaking tried you should be HAPPY! *sob* *unsob***

**So review! (:**


	30. The MEADOW

**Hey it's not Mimi! It's her BFF, Savannah (check out my stories there better than hers: on twilightluver_edward101). Well the reason she hasn't updated in awhile is because she's a dumbass and got grounded for like 4 months. No joke. So she typed this up on her i-Touch and gave it to me to put on fanfiction. So review all you people and she will write more often. **

Bella hiked and hiked up the forest until she found... the. _meadow_.

"GAH!!!" She screamed, and fell on the floor, gasping for air and holding her sides. "Aaaaaahhhhhh eehhhhh eeeeeeee aaaaaoooooo it hurttsssaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaahhhh eeeeee nooooo OOOUUCHHHH...."

*five hours later*

"OOOAAHHWHAHAGFUSHZYDHF EEEEEHHHHH... I gotta get up I gotta get up..." Bella said, then got to her feet, her legs shaking. Just then, a dark figure emerged from the trees. She recognized the figure and flipped out.

"OMG LAUR-ANT?!?!"

"Bella.. Bella?!"

"Laurent??"

"Bella??"

"LAURENT?!?"

"BELLA?!?!?!"

"Laur-"

"Bella!! I didn't expect to see you here!" Laurent exclaimed.

"I didn't expect to see YOU here, Laurent!" Bella said happily. And then she noticed his eyes... they were RED!!

"Yeah... so anyway, I'm not a veggpire anymore and I caught up with Victoria and she said to bring you back. but you see, you caught me at a bad time. Im rather thirsty, Bella." Laurent said, stepping closer to Bella.

"OH MAYN STAWL BELLA STAWL!!" Edward's voice yelled in Bella's head.

"Oh you're thirsty? Here, I've got some water right here" Bella reached into her pocket to pull out a water fountain.

"No, no it's okay I've got some right here." Laurent said, and held up a water bottle.

"... Why is it red?"

"Oh uh well it's Gatorade. you know, the fruit punch kind."

"Oh! Can I have some?" Bella asked, stepping closer.

"Uhm no. No you can't..." Laurent said and backed away.

"Awe, why not??"

"Uh..." Laurent threw the bottle over his shoulder. "Oh no more, sorry."

"But I thought you said you were thirsty?"

"Eh well it's gone now, what can ya do?" Just then, 5 big wolves came and chased Laurent away.

"WHOA!" Bella screamed. "Those wolves were... FURRY!!"  
Bella scoffed and ran back to her truck.


	31. Bandaid

It was a quiet day in the Cullen's house and Esme was building a bunkbed set for Edward and Bella. Bella walked in to see the work in progress bunkbeds. It was made intirely of wood and there were nails sticking out of it on the top part. Bella was watching Johnny Bravo and she saw him flying so she wanted to fly. She grabbed a green chair and put it on the mattress that was on the floor and went to jump up on the top of the bed, but Bella didn't jump high enough and she jumped into one of the nails with her forehead and fell back on the matress.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" She screamed, on her back and flailing her arms and legs around like a bug. Edward ran in.

"OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS GRACIOUS, BELLA!!!" He screamed. Her head was gushing blood from the hole of the nail.

"AHHHHH EDWAAAAAAAD!!!" She screamed louder. Edward scooped her up and ran to the living room, setting her on the couch.

"CARLISLE!!!!" Edward yelled. Carlisle ran down.

"What is it?!" Carlisle asked.

"BELLAS HEAD!!!" Her wound would probably need stitches or something. Carlisle examined it and pursed his lips.

Then he finally said, "I'll go get a bandaid."  
**  
****A/N: So, this actually happened with my stepsister when she was three. She was Bella and my stepdad was Carlisle. I crack up everytime I think of it cuz I can just see her hanging from the nail idk why... anyhoo REVIEW (: btw this is still savannah and don't worry I was jk last chapter. O and by the way… read her new story FULL MOON!**


	32. Ed meets Rob WHAT!

**Ed meets Rob—Heyyyyy this was Essie May's idea (((: Enjoy!!!**

It was a cool day in the Cullen's house, it was just Alice and Jasper in the house, but Jasper was up in his bedroom finding out what he wants to be, personality wise. So, Alice just sat on the couch and sang random songs....

"Hot dog, hot dog, hot diggity dog! It's a brand new day watcha waitin for? Get up stretch out and problem sooooolvedddd!! HOT DOG HOT DOG HOT DIGGITY DOG!!!" Alice sang from Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Just then Jacob ran in.

"WHAT!" He screamed like Rob Pattinson did in that one interview. Just THEN, Rob Pattinson and Edward ran in.

"HEY! ONLY I CAN SCREAM LIKE A FANGIRL!!" Rob and Edward said at the same time. Then they paused, and looked at each other with wide eyes.

"HEYyyyyyy your who I'm supposed to look like!!" Rob exclaimed, grinning with his jacked up teeth.

"You're supposed to look like ME?" Edward scoffed.

"Now that was low." Rob said sadly.

"Yeah but your still hot." Edward said.

"WHAT!" Rob fan girl-screamed.

"Uhhhh nothing? Here, mayn let's just start on a clean plate, I'm Edward." Edward held his hand out.

"I'm Rob... and I have very low self esteem and no personal sense of hygiene or fashion at all, and I hate kids and I hate my fans. I complain about everything, I don't like being an actor it's pretty suck-assish and I'm in love with my costar but she doesn't love me back which really takes a hit on my self esteem and uh well, I think I'm not attractive at all and when fans ask me to bite them..."

"Dude. You're a freak." Edward interrupted. Rob whined.

"Nobody likes me!!!" He squeaked and ran away.  
All while this was happening, Alice has just been laughing and Jacob was chuckling to. He sat next to Alice and grinned.

"So, uh, you got any headaches you want me to get rid of?" Jacob asked Alice, and winked. Alice stopped laughing immediately.

"No. Get out."

"Awe..." With that, Jacob stood and walked out glumly.

**  
Okay DONT ATTACK ME R! Pattz lovers. All the things I made rob say, he basically said himself in interviews so YEAH! just pop a chill pill and review ((: loll**

PS: and I know the last like 3 chapters have been about the too important people, but that's cuz I've just been running out of ideas and the only ones that came up were things with Bella and Edward, but if you send me ideas in a PM I totally will consider using em and the next one will be about the actual AWESOME people in the Twilight series ;) hugs and kisses!!


	33. Taste the Rainbow

**So im bored… and im on the computer… sooo… I decided to write! Lol. And I made up this new thing! Everytime you review, you get something! Whatever I mention at the end of the chapter is what you get to do or what you get. (don't get your hopes TOO up… you have to imagine your getting something. You know like on that one chapter where I said you could pet Jacob? Yeah its stuff like that (: enjoy!)**

**So I tracked down Megan Geyer's huge list of ideas from like 50 billion years ago and im gonna use a BUNCH of them now so credit goes to Megan Geyer for giving me these ideas!!**

**Taste the Rainbow**

Emmett was watching Nick Jr. when it said itd be back because of commercials.

"Awe…" he sighed, and was about to get up, but then a commercial with colorful things came on and he watched it, awestruck.

"Skittles, taste the rainbow." The commercial said.

"ooooo." Emmett grinned. "Oh ALICEEEEE!!!!!"

"Yes, Emmett?" Alice appeared behind the couch with Jasper. They were holding hands and Jasper was trying his goth look, with a black My Chemical Romance t shirt, baggy pants with chains, painted black nails, and the spiky cuff bracelets. **((I don't have anything against goth people! And I LOVE My Chemical Romance; this is all in good humor!)) **

"Could I borrow your crayons, Alice?" Emmett asked sweetly. Alice's face went blank as she foresaw what he was going to do with them.

"Abso_lu_tely not!!" Alice screamed. Emmett pouted.

"What about your to-go ones?" He asked. Alice pursed her lips, considering.

"Fine." She said, and took a small silk bag out of her pocket and threw it at Emmett. "C'mon, Jasper. Let's go to the mall." Alice towed Jasper out of the house. Jasper threw a look at Emmett that said _potatoes. When I get home, I wanna color with you._ Emmett nodded and skipped off to his room.

-Emmett's Room-

Emmett poured the crayons out of the silk bag and picked out the colors of the rainbow. _What was the name again? Oh yeah, Roy G Biv. Red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, purple. _Emmett remembered. He picked out those colors and with one swift movement, stuffed them all in his mouth and chewed. His chewing slowed, and he opened his window and spit out the rainbow. It looked _adorable_ all spit out on the ground. Angered, Emmett called the skittles company.

"Skittles company, may I help you?" the voice said on the other line.

"Yes, your commercial." Was all Emmett said.

"What about our commercial…sir?"

"Your commercial said to 'taste the rainbow' was it?"

"Uhm, yes sir it did say that…"

"Is the rainbow supposed to taste _good_?"

"Yes… Sir… it is…"

"WELL IT DOESN'T OH-KAY?!!" Emmett burst.

"Well, I'm sorry sir. You didn't like our skittles?"

"N- Wait… skittles?"

"Yes, that's what the commercial is about. It encourages you to taste the rainbow and by rainbow we mean skittles, because skittles are the colors of the rainbow." The person explained like it was obvious.

"Ohhhhhhooooohooooooo I gotta try those then…" Emmett said once realization hit.

"Just out of curiosity, sir… what _did _you taste as 'the rainbow'?"

"My sister's to-go crayons. They were nastyy."

"Oh I have some of those!"

"Really now? In a silk bag?"

"No, a velvet one."

"Wow."

"Yep."

"Well bye!!!" Emmett said and hung up, then went to find some skittles.

**So yes, its Emmett eating skittles XP and once again, this was Megan Geyer's idea. I hope I didn't screw it uppo! I tried to make this chapter reasonably long, because the past ones have been short, like me, err **_**vertically challenged**_**. (: anyhoooo REVIEW and youll get to… pet SETH this time, only, hes not tied up cuz hes the SHIZ! **


	34. Esme and Jasper Cook!

**Megan Geyer's idea!! Okay instead of saying this for the next like fifty million chapters, I'll just tell you when it's NOT Megan Geyer's idea, that's betterrrrr. Mmkay so enjoyyyy!**

**Esme&Jasper cook!  
**

Rosalie stormed in the Cullen's living room.

"Guys!!!" She called. Only Jasper and Esme ran down. "Where are the others?" She asked.

"Flying!!" Esme explained. Jasper put a hand over her mouth.

"No, Esme." He said, and then turned to Rosalie. "They're hunting."

"Oh… Well I'm playing human again, and you guys are going to cook for me oh-KAY?" Rosalie demanded. Esme bit Jasper's hand.

"Okay!" She yelled.

"OW MY GOSH!!!! THANKS FOR ADDING YET ANOTHER SCAR TO MY SCAR COLLECTION, I REALLY NEEDED THAT ESME!!!" Jasper yelled, clearly sarcastic.

"You are so very welcome, Jasper. I'll give you another scar anytime you need one." Esme said sweetly. Jasper and Rosalie rolled their eyes.

-In the Kitchen-

"So, I've already written out the recipe and hung it up on the wall right there." Rosalie pointed to wear the recipe hung. "See, its called steak and onions. Very simple. All you have to do is cook the steak and make it well done, and then fry the onions and put it on top. I'll be up in my room, and when dinners ready you have to call me by saying 'Rosalie! Dinner's ready!' Kay? Kay. You got it have fun byeeee!" Rosalie grinned and glided up the stairs to her room.

Jasper and Esme exchanged a look, and then got to work.

-2 hours later-

"Rosalie! Dinner's ready!" Esme and Jasper called at the same time. Rosalie came down the stairs with her hair in pig tails and overalls. She skipped into the kitchen and looked at her plate. She grabbed a fork and started fake eating.

"Hum yumyumyum hum yumyumyum" Rosalie fake-ate. Then she stopped, and looked down at the plate again. "POOWEH!" she pretended to spit out the food.

"Those are ORANGES! Not ONIONS!!!!"

**Loll… idk this one's okay. If you review you get an all expenses paid trip to Edward's meadow! And… it'll be when Edward and Bella are IN it… no flash photography, please. It may be bad for Edward's sparkles. And Bella's, if we're talking after Breaking Dawn. ((:**


	35. Jasper says Authors note!

**Sadly, this is just an authors note. But a very important one indeed!!! Okay some people have asked me what I have against Esme, because I make her all delusional. HELLOOOO I made Jasper all gay-like, and mayn, I have noooooooooooooooooothing against Jasper and its GOT to be obvious. and I made Carlisle a dumbass…. I have NOTHING against him either!! Esme is actually like my 3****rd**** favorite character in the series AKAY?! **

**To make it clear, the only Cullen that I have something against is EDWARD. As some of you, or none of you, may know. Sigh. Nothing against Esme. At all. Its AAAAALL in good humor. Seriously, guys I would have mentioned it. Kay so, now that things are all jolly and good, im going to announce a new story!!!**

**I have a new story coming up probbly on Saturday. Its called A Twist In My Story, and my biffle Savannah is co authoring it. And that's all Im gonna say for now. So when its up, please **_**please**_** read it and review and tell people about it cuz you would just totally be the best if you did that. Like sersly guys OMG youd be great. So anyhoo YAY like 200 reviews!! New chapter coming soon. About Jacob… being a "transie" as Rosalie calls him. ANYHOO have a greeeeatt daaaaay.. err… nightttt.**

**Kay soooo hugs and kisses!!!**

**333 Mimiiii 333**


	36. TRANSIE!

Alice walked into Emmett's room.

"Hey! Emmett, guess what!" She yelled with excitement.

"What, Alice?!" Emmett asked. Just then, all the other Cullens came to listen to what Alice had to say.

"I HAVE A TOOTHBRUSH IN MY POCKET!" Alice said, grinning.

The Cullens walked away. Emmett stared.

Just THEN, Renesmee came screaming out of her room.

"What, Nessie! WHATTTTT?!" Rosalie screamed. Then she ran to the room. Rosalie ran out screaming in fury. The Cullens went into Nessie's room to see what was the matter.

"AAAAAAAAH!" Everyone screamed. Jacob was standing in the middle of the room, grinning, and he was wearing Rosalie's clothes. Rosalie came up screaming a war cry type thing.

"AAAAAAH!" She had an axe in her hand and slashed Jacob on the arm with it.

"AAAAH YOU CRAZY FRUIT!" Jacob yelled.

"TRANSIE!!" Rosalie yelled back.

"Akay." Jacob said, then STRIPPED. All the Cullens started gagging and trying to shield their eyes. Then Jacob ran out and all was good again.

**I know, I know. It's not very good. But, hey, its somthinn… lol. Please don't attack meeee! Review and you get your very own Edward Cullen!! (Caution: This Edward may have temper problems, may be a manic depressive and may call himself a monster 24-7)**

**PS: this wasnt Megan Geyer's idea! :O its Savannah's lol. from a loooong time ago though. *shrug* enjoy your Edward!! (if you review ;])**


	37. Jasper's WHAT

**HEYY!!! Guess who it is! SAVANNAH! So Mimi doesn't know I'm on her a right now, but if I asked for her approval on the chapter she wouldn't have posted it. So if you haven't guessed yet, this is a chapter written by SAVANNAH!!!**

"Alice! Alice!" Jasper screamed, running down the hall toward her.

"What! What!" Alice asked skipping out of their room to meet Jasper. She came to an abrupt stop when she saw what Jasper was wearing. He was in a long pink, silk robe with a stuffed bra on underneath. He had put on mascara, eye liner, and blood red lipstick. If that wasn't enough he had on a brown wig that had wavy, shoulder length hair.

"I have something to tell you" he said seriously.

"Ok Jasper, if this is about the whole modeling thing, you need to stop. I thought you were over that .I mean you did look pretty hot in some of the clothes but… never mind that's beside the point. So why Jasper, why did you do this?"

"Alice, this is something much deeper than just a modeling career." He said in a serious tone "Although I would look pretty hot if I modeled as a girl. Oh wait, sorry. Back to the point. Alice, I'M GAY!" he started dancing in circles and twilling his finger in his hair while chanting "I'M GAY I'M GAY. WHO'S GAY! I'M GAY!" Alice grabbed his arm with a death grip and yanked him close to her.

"You. Are. Not. Gay." She hissed "Any guy who has been with me, does not turn GAY!"

"Except me. Cause I'm GAY!!!!" he sang.

"You tell me how this happened right now"

"No" Jasper stomped his foot, flipped his hair, and then skipped off into the sunset. (He's getting a sex change)

**Hehe now you know why I couldn't show this to Mimi. Well I thought of this idea when I saw Jackson Rathbone guest star in Crimial Minds. Guess what! He dressed up as a girl! And when some one tried to call him 'Adam' he insisten his name was AMANDA! Hahaha. So review and I will be super happy!**


	38. JASPERS NOT WHAT! HES A SEXY MAYNN!

**DO YOU GUYS KNOW HOW MUCH I HATE SAVANNAH?!!?!! Shes… all the colorful words you can imagine!!! AND I SAW IT COMING TOO!!!! UGHHHHHHHHHH!!! It was like "Mimi whats your fanfiction password I made a new chapter for csd and I wanna update it on yours" and I was like "I don't trust you.." because, earlier today, she was watching Criminal Minds and was all "HAHAHAHA JACKSON RATHBONES GAY IM STUPID BLAHBLAHBLAH I SHOULD DIE" anyhoo so I gave it to thinking I could TRUST HER but I guess I couldn't so… SCREW! And yes, I know ive made Jasper a supermodel but he wasn't GAY and hes not GAY!!!! Hes NOT!!!!! He very much loves ALICE! So SHUSHHHHHH**

**Enjoy this next chapter, oh please do (:**

"Alice! Alice!" Jasper yelled, running into the Cullen's living room.

"What! What!" Alice yelled back but stopped dead in her path when she saw Jasper was wearing the HOTTEST OUTFIT in the world. He looked totally sexy and NOT GAY. "Wow Jasper you're SEXY! And totally NOT GAY!!!"

"Thanks Alice! But anyway! We should kill someone today!!" Jasper replied.

"Oh, we totally should! But who…?" Alice mused. Just then, Allie walked in.

"I know who you can kill." She said with an evil grin on her face. Alice and Jasper (Sexy, sexy, not gay, sexy Jasper) looked at her. "Savannah…"

"Oooo… sounds like a good enough name and person to kill… Savannah…" Jasper said in his totally not-gay voice.

"Yes, Jasper, totally kill-able person." So, Allie, Alice, and Jasper (NOT GAAAAAY!!!! AND SEXYYYY!!!!!) went to kill Savannah.

** At Savannah's house.

"Ohhhhh Savaaaaannnaaaaaahhh!" Jasper called, his sexy voice ringing through the house. Savannah came out of her room.

"WHOA!!!!!!!!!!!" She screamed. Allie jumped on her and started hitting her in the head with a … a metal bat!

"I HATE YOU!!!" She yelled. Then Alice and Jasper grabbed Savannah and tied her on the hood of Alice's yellow Porsche and drove at 53847589430759347 mph.

"TAKE THAT YOU MEANIE HEAD!!" Alice screamed. Edward jumped in the car then.

"BLEHHH IM A MOOOONSTER CUZ IM A VAMPIRE AND THAT'S WHAT VAMPIRES ARE THERE MONSTERS AND IM A MONSTER CUZ IM A VAMPIRE AND VAMPIRES ARE MOOOONSSSTTERRRRSSSS!!!" Edward screamed. "AND IM A MANIC DEPRESSIVE AND I CANT CONTROL MY TEMPERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR AAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAA I HATE THE WORLD!!!!" Then Edward jumped out of the car into a pit of fire, taking Savannah with him.

"At last, the world is at peace again." Jasper said. Allie jumped on his back.

"YOUR TOTALLY NOT GAY JASPER I LOVE YOU!!!!" She yelled, kissed him on the cheek, stole a lock of his hair, and sprinted home.

**Look at the bright side, Savannah; at least you got to die with Edward! (:**

**REVIEW! And ill bring Savannah to life… maybe… and Edward…maybe…**

**The Chapter before this shows you WHY i made this chapter. *mutters* Screw Savannah. the only reason i kept, err, put that chapter back on here was because she threatened me. it wasnt cute. kay so byeee**


	39. Animal Crackers

**Hey guys!! SO, I forgive Savannah its allllll good. I mean, it was just a joke, and I was being mad as a joke, you know. Well I was kinda mad, but not like REALLY. But anyhoo to show you guys that shes back to life (cuz peeps reviewed THANKS), shes in this chaptaaaaa so enjoy!! OH and Meggie-Megs (my other biffle) is in this chaptaaaa too (:**

**Animal Crackers**

Bella, Megan, and Savannah were eating animal crackers from a huge tub…of animal crackers. Esme was sitting at the table watching them, making sure they didn't choke. Alice ran in and grabbed the tub and poured all of them out on the table and started looking through them frantically.

"Uhm… Alice?" Bella asked.

"Where… which? WHICHH ONE!!!!" Alice screamed, and finally held up an animal cracker that she thought resembled a wolf (it was a polar bear). "SETH!" She screeched, popped the cracker in her mouth, and chewed.

"Uhm, Alice… honey… we don't. eat." Esme said quietly. Seth walked in, then, his face pulled down in a grimace.

"WHY DOES EVERYTHING HUUUUURT!!!!" Seth yelled and ran up to Carlisle's office.

"HEY MEGAN! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!" Alice screamed.

"Uh, thanks." Megan said, giggling.

"Happy buuurthhdayyyeee to yewwww happy buuurthdaaayyee to yooouuuu. Happay buurthdaayyee happay buurthdayy, happy burthdayyy toohhh yooohhhh!" Alice sang like Robert Pattinson (you know how he sings! LET MEE SHIIIIGNNNNNN). Esme giggled madly, and Savannah, and Megan, and Bella stared at Alice.

"No, Alice. _No._" Bella said sternly, then stomped out of the room.

**Woo! So today IS actually Megan's birthday (4/14/09 HAPPY BDAYYY) and so I loooove imitating Robert Pattinson when he sings its SO FUN! It was really funnnie, cuz today in the gym locker room, Savannah was in the bathroom which is like all the way in the back of the locker room and I was signing happy birthday in rob's voice and I heard Savannah go "MIMI!" from the bathroom stall SOOOOOOOOOO funnie. Idk if she said it, but I heard her!! Anyhoo. So, review and I will give yooooooooooooooooooooou… immortality!! :O hugs and kisses!!**


	40. Animal Crackerrs numbaaaa 2!

**Hey guys!!! I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST SETH!! HES AMAZING!!!!!! Just sayin, and sayin that cuz cuz, well! just cuz!!! Kay well here ya goooo**

**Sequel of "Animal Crackers"**

Alice, Megan, and Bella were playing with animal crackers, yet again. Rosalie was sitting at the table smiling.

"Ah! AAAHH! WHERE IS IT?! WHERE IS HE?!" Alice screamed, rummaging through the animal crackers.

"What is it?" Esme asked, walking in.

"He's not here!! Seth isn't here!!!" Alice yelled, then stopped and picked up an animal that was mistaken for a house cat, but it was totally a puma. "OO! This'll do!" Alice beamed. She took the only two that were in the pile and layed them next to each other. Megan stared at one of them.

"Do you want this one, Megan?" Alice asked, and handed the animal cracker to Megan.

"Do I have to scream Seth before I eat it?" Megan asked.

"Yes." Alice replied.

"Seth." Megan said, then popped the cracker in her mouth.

"YOU DIDN'T SCREAM IT!!!" Alice yelled. Megan chewed, and held up a finger.

*5 hours later*

"SETH!" Megan yelled.

"Yay!" Alice rejoiced, then took the other Seth cracker and started to make it walk on an empty bag of Doritos.

"I'm Seth! Ooo yum, yum, Doritos. Heheheee" And then the cracker snapped in half and the top half fell on the floor. "AH! SETH!" Alice cried. "Look what happened to Seth, Rosalie!!"

Rosalie looked at the cracker. Oh, yes, she looked at that cracker like it was a pillow on a cotton candy field. Then, very quickly, she grabbed it and ate it.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO! I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO EAT IT!!!!" Alice dry sobbed and ran out of the room.

"What's wrong with Alice?" Seth asked as he walked in. Then he saw the top half of the Seth cracker on the floor, and Rosalie chewing the bottom half. Something was wrong! "AH GAWD!!FFFF!!" Then Seth doubled over in pain and ran up to Carlisle's office, yet again.

**Hee so once again. I love Seth, like SERIOUSLY he's AMAZING like dude way. Hes awesomeeee. Not as much as Jasper, but just a little bit less than Carlisle. That's a lot, trust me. Cuz Carlisle's SEXY! (Hee Essie May) So anyhoo, review and you will get a BRAND NEW PORSCHE 911 TURBO!! **_**The Porsche 911 Turbo may be a regular sized version that doesn't work, or a remote control version. That's not regular size. Just a warning.**_


	41. Bring Your Children To Work Day!

**Im bored. So, new chapter! Megan Geyer's idea!!**

**Bring Your Children To Work Day**

"Come on, Kids! Let's go to the hospital!" Carlisle said enthusiastically as Jasper, Alice, Emmett, Rosalie, and (OMG) Seth filed into the Cullen's family mobile. It was one of those super long limo vans. **(Is there even such thing? I think not… OH WELL!) **

"Yay! The hospital!" Jasper yelled and clapped his hands.

"You're not going to eat anyone, Jazz. You're not aloud." Alice said sternly.

"Well." Jasper sassed.

"Hey, don't make me turn this limo van around!" Carlisle looked over at them, then back to the road. "Yay we're here!"

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY" Seth screamed. Then Emmett and Rosalie sprinted inside. Carlisle stepped out and everyone followed.

"Walk…walk…walk…" Seth started to hum, and then he patted his thigh to a beat. "We're walking. We're walking. We're walking. We're walking. We. Are. Walking. Walking. Walking. Walking, walking. Walking. Walking. Walking. Walking, walking." **(Each . is when he pats his thigh)** Then Seth sang to the tune of We Are Family. "Weeee are waaaaaahaaalkingggggg. Get up everyboday SANGGG!!! Walking, walking. Walking. Walking. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-."

"Stop." Jasper said calmly.

"Okay." Seth replied. They all stepped inside the hospital.

"AHH AHH AHH AHHHHH HEHEHEHE AAAHHH I CANT BE NOT TEMPTED TO AHAHAHAHHH" Jasper screamed. Everyone glance at him, and Carlisle threw him across the city. **(Sorry Jasper! :/)**

"Problem solved." Carlisle said.

"Yes, Carlisle. C'mon Seth! Let's go explooooooooooooooooore!!!" Alice linked arms with Seth and they skipped away into another room with a bunch of gadgets.

"Oooo." Seth stared and picked up a funny looking doctor thing. So did Alice….

*5 hours later*

Carlisle walked into the room that Alice and Seth had walked into a while ago.

"OH MY GOODNESS ME!!!!" Carlisle screamed. Seth and Alice were laughing and jumping around with the funny looking doctor things. The stretcher in the room was cut into four even pieces, and all the other tools were broken on the floor. They were having a sword fight with a cut-in-half lamp, now.

"Out." Carlisle ordered.

"_Fine._" Alice and Seth both replied, and fled out the door.

**Okay uhm idk? Sorry. Lol. I didn't do very good with that but oh well. Kay so Seth is gonna be in like every chapter now cuz I just love him, he so cuteee. And that one author's note where I said there was a new story like two weeks ago, I lied. There are now **_**two**_** new stories. One is A Twist In My Story and the other is Crash Into a New Beginning. So please, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease when I put em up read and review just like you do for this story. Thanks!! If you review for this chapter you get to ride on a werewolf! And if you don't wanna do that, then one of the Cullens can give you a piggy back ridee (: so REVIEW**


	42. Sad Times

**IMPORTANT!!!!**

**Hey guys! It's Savannah. Mimi wanted me to tell you that she can't update anymore. ): This is due to the fact that she is basically grounded for life. No joke. Well give her your love and tell her how much you love her!**

**-Savannah **


	43. NEW CHAPTER!

**HEY GUYS I GOT MY ****ITOUCH**** BACK!! and THAT means that I can type up stories and send em to my biffle Savannah. and THAT means she can post em up on my site. and THAT means... WELL YOU KNOW!! ENJOOOOY! :D (it's a short one for now till I get a more creative idea)**

The Cullens were all in the living room, watching High School Musical 3!

"I'll be riiiiight back, guys I gotta get that one outfit that Sharpay is wearing!!!" And with that, Alice ran out the door. Then everyone started laughing and they HID from her without making the... desicion...

Alice walked in after 2 minutes in that one outfit Sharpay was wearing and screamed.  
"Curse you Cullens!!!" She yelled as she realized they were hiding, and went to look for them.

-in the closet.  
Mike and Emmett were hiding in the closet in Alice's room. ((HAH Emmett and Mike are in the closet... HEEEEE))

"That'd be really cool if you guys had, like, manicans and then we could, like, be really cool and pretend to be them. But... you don't... so... we... can't..." Mike whispered to Emmett.

Emmett stared him down and then... ((KISSED HIM!! AND THEN THEY CAME OUT OF THE CLOSET!!)) Emmett... flicked his head and he was killed yet again.

"Pathetic, Emmett. You know when you kill someone I can see it. GUESS WHO FOUND YOU!!" Alice screamed as she opened the closet door. "Now come out of the closet, Emmett!"

And Emmett wasn't so sure he wanted to come out of the closet...

a/n OJAY I mean OKAY not so good but HEY it's a new chapter am I right? am I right? kay so reeeviieeeewww and yooooou get to have that outfit Sharpay was wearing in HSM3!!!!  
toodles!

*.mimi*


	44. Hospital Scene Continuation

**hosssspital scene spoof**

**kay so, sorry I haven't updated in a while. a whole pile of you probably just stopped reading wth cuzzzz I didn't get a whole bunch of reviews on the most recent chapterrr. but it's akay ! I still enjoy writing these funnies, and I've got a pretty good amount of ideas for the chapters to come ! so I hope you enjoyyyy this chapterrr. this one was born when I was talking to savannah about kristen Stewart hee. so ENJOY ! **

Edward walked over to the hospital bed where Bella was.

"Bella, you gotta to back to Jacksonville, so I can't hurt you anymore." He said sadly.

"Wh- what! n-no. NO! what're you- what're y- what're you TALKING about!!!! I can't just leave I ccc- I" Bella stuttered like an idiot.

"I know." Edward said.

"we can't be apart... y- you can't leave me"

"where else am I gonna go"

"I don't know, like Alaska or something." Bella continued nonchalantly.

"true. with that SEXY tanya chick." Edward said, clearly aroused.

"I thought you said you preffered brunettes..." Bella said, hurt.

"that's like 2 books from now!"

"oh right..."

"plus I'm only staying with you because pshh stephenie payed me. that's why the cullens are so rich bizzitchhhh"

"what're whateew you talking about I don't even kn- what're-"

"shut the fuck up you're ugly."

**haha (((: anyhoo we were talking about how kristen was a really bad speaker cuz she stutters when she talked and stuff and thisssss emerged. review and... you will... get... uhm..... a beautiful decorated pillow !!!**


	45. Uber Pan!

**Heyyyyyyy!!!! I am back!! Haha you probably don't even care, but whetever:P So, anyway, what I decided was you guys should just subscribe because I can't really update as often as I used to. Tonight I am going to try to update all my stories,, but it might not work out how I want it to lol. Kay so, enjoy this! Please? Hah**

**Uber Pan!**

"But, Peter, how do we get to Neverland?" Alice recited Peter Pan while the Cullens were watching it.

"Geez.. Is she on another one of those OBSESSIONS?!" Jasper yelled.

"SHHH!"

"Alice, you're annoying me like a mother in labor." Emmett said. Alice got frustrated and paused the movie.

"If, if if if if you guys cannot stay quiet while I am watching Peter Pan, you guys can go suck on juiceboxes up in your bedroom. Because, this, this is important." Alice stared at them with a death glare.

"Well, Alice, don't you want to spend time with me?" Jasper asked sadly. Alice softened.

"Awe.. Jasper… NO. Now be quiet!!"

Jasper stared at her, and looked at Emmett. Emmett read his expression and jumped up into his room.

"LADIES, GENTLEMEN, AND CARLISLE!!!" Emmett screamed.

"Wtf." Carlisle murmured.

"I NOW PRESENT YOU WITH… WITH… UBER PAN!!" Emmett came down the stairs and busted out dancing.

"I can fly, I can fly, pixie dust, uh huh.." He sang. Alice stopped in front of him and put her hand on his chest.

"Stop. No." She said, and then sat back down and resumed watching Peter Pan.

"Well, well I tried.." Emmett sighed, and walked back up to his room.

**I know, I know it's all suckish… But it's alright there is more to come! Review please!!!**


	46. Popcorn Chicken

**Geeeeeezers. I haven't updated this in, like, forever. Well, I'm going to try something. I'ma write a new chapter. And if it sucks, we're all going to say AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWE! Okay? Alright.**

**Popcorn Chicken**

"CARLISLE! Guess what?!" Emmett yelled as he ran through the house to Carlisle's office.

"What, Emmett?" Carlisle asked, the interest in his voice forced.

"I can make _popcorn_ and _chicken_ RHYME!" Emmett said cheerfully, jumping up and down and clapping his hands.

"Emmett… No you can't."

"YEAH HUH LISTEN!!! PopCONE ChickOWN, PopCONE ChickOWN, PopCONE ChickOWN! Like as if I had an accent, it rhymes." Emmett's face was lit up.

Carlisle stared. "OH THAT'S REALLY COOL, EMMETT!" He yelled.

"Really?"

"No." And with that, Emmett walked out of the room, dreams crushed.

_Meanwhile in Forks High School._

"EHMAHGAWD, Edward Cullen." This one crazy girl said when she saw him, all the girls crowded around her to stare at him.

"How can he be soooo beautiful?" One of the girls asked.

"Maybe he's born with it…" Another girl stated, then they all turned the camera and yelled, "Maybe it's Maybelline!"

**Mmmkayyyy, soo AWWWWWWWWWWWWE. I tried. Haha. Review! **


	47. Animal Crackers 3!

**Animal Crackers 3**

**Well, yup.**

Alice came running in on Bella, Rosalie, and Esme eating Animal Crackers.

"GUYS! You started WITHOUT ME?!" She dove towards the tub and got all the Seths out.

"Gimmie." Rosalie said and grabbed 2 of the 5, crumbling them.

"NO!" Alice screamed.

Esme grabbed one and crushed it.

"ESME!!!!"

And then Bella grabbed one and ate it.

"BELLAAA!! AH!!!" Alice was furious, and then the last animal cracker suddenly disappeared.

"Oooooh, Seth is in my braaaaaaaaaaa!" Alice said flirtatiously. Jasper appeared behind her, his nostrils flairing.

"Exc_use_ me?!"

"Uhm, uhhhh… Seth… Animal crackers… And Esme, Rosalie, and Bella.. And died, and AHH!!" She screamed as Jasper reached into her bra and whipped out the Seth cookie.

"Noononoonono!" Alice yelled. Jasper grabbed Bella's water bottle and dropped the cracker inside it. The Seth cracker started to get soggy, he shook it once, and it dissolved.

"JASPER NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Alice screamed in pure agony. Seth came running in, then.

"WHY AM I WET ALL OF A SUDDEN!!! AND I FEEL LIKE I'M MELTING! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

**And, scene. Wow, I miss my friends in middle school! Reviewwww!**


	48. Contacts

**Contacts**

Bella stared into Edward's eyes.

"Hey, did you get contacts?" She asked seductively.

"DUDE. I've had contacts since I was seven." He answered bitterly.

"Oh… Then I guess…the last time I saw you I just didn't notice that your eyes were gold…"

"I guess not."

"Yeah…"

_Later while Edward was talking._

"DUDE! Your eyes are like _so gold_!!!" Bella burst.

**Kay, so, hah. This actually happened with a sub that came in today. His eyes were like suuuuuper blue and I was like "Did you get contacts?" And it reminded me of Twilight. And that was how he responded. And then later I was like "Your eyes are SO BLUE!" And he's like "Okay…?" And people in the class were like "Oh, that's just Mimi. She has outbursts like that." Haha. So, reviewwww!**


	49. It's Like Paper

**Wow, how long has it been since I've updated? Eesh. Well, it's Summer! And I'm stuck in the house all summer so hopefully I will be updating a lot! This one was inspired by my amazing drama friends. (:**

The Cullens, and Bella were walking around a theater campus, waiting for a show to start. Victoria walked down in slow motion.

"LOOK AT THAT GIRL'S GLORIOUS SKIN TONE!" Bella screamed.

"It's like paper… Ew." Alice said. Victoria stared at Bella with rage, ran over to her and scratched her face with paper cuts. She then laughed manically, took a deep breath, and floated away, like paper.

Bella opened her eyes. "EDWARD I HAD A NIGHTMARE! VICTORIA WAS A PIECE OF PAPER!"

Edward just stared at her, and Bella passed back out.

**Okay, it wasn't that good, it was funnier like if I could explain it in person! Oh well, it'll get better, I promise. (: Review and I'll give you some paper. **


	50. Carlisle's Meltdown

**Ahh! I freaking love you guys, I update once with a little chapter, and I wake up the next morning to see a lot of people read it and reviewed and everything! So yay! This one's inspired by a review that I loved, haha.**

**Carlisle's Meltdown**

"I know CARLISLE, OKAY I KNOW." Jasper was getting frustrated with Carlisle's constant talking about one of his favorite fanfictions.

"Well it talks about us and what we do all the time and it's funny and the author is like awesome and everything is cool! PICKLES! And then you're all awesome, and I'm all dumb, and Edward and Bella are hardly ever in it which is awesome because then it PUMPERNICKLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! It gives me and you and errbody else a chance to SHINE!"

"DAD SHUT UP! AHHH!"

"BUT THEY HAVEN'T UPDATED IT IN LIKE 35648768934 YEARS SO I'M SAD AND I'M GOING TO GO CHECK MY EMAIL NOW!"

Jasper had ran through the glass door, annoyed with Carlisle's ranting.

"You've got mail, Carlisle Cullen. It's really cool mail, Carlisle, check your inbox, Carlisle, check it NOW!" AOL Mail said when he signed in. There was a message from .

"New Chapter! What the Hale!" Carlisle stared at the email. He started to shake. And rock back and forth. "AAAHHHH! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH! AHAHAHHHH!H!H!H!H!H!H!H!HH!H! GOOoOOOOOOOOOOOP! !"

He started to run around the house, jumping and laughing and going crazy. He stopped in the middle of Esme's room and danced crazily, making grunting noises, and then he started dry-sobbing. He fell to his knees and dry sobbed until Esme finally got up off of her chair and patted his back.

"They updated…" Carlisle whispered dramatically. "I'm going to go read it."

Carlisle locked himself in his office to read the new chapter. Seth busted through the door.

"Hey, Carlisle, Watcha-."

"LEAVE ME ALONE!"

"AAAAHHH!"

And with that, Carlisle was alone to read his favorite fanfiction.

**Aha, okay. I hope that was good. XP Review and I'll give you some dinosaur gummies! Yeee!**


	51. Jasper's Yummy

**Hey guys! I love being able to write these again, I missed it! Anyway, I once again tracked down Megan Geyer's list of ideas for me, and I decided to put like three of them together so it would be a long chapter… ish? I don't know, we'll find out!**

**Jasper's Yummy**

"Ooooooh, JASPER!" Alice called from her room, Jasper was in front of her in a millisecond, considering he was right next to her when she called.

"Yes my love?"

"Mannequin time!"

"Uhm, Alice, uh, well… OH! Bella, Bella is coming over and uh I have to go hunt so I don't try to kill her again, you know? You knooooooowwwwww." Jasper grinned sheepishly.

"Jasper, we hunted yesterday."

"OH BUT I'M SO THIRSTY FOR BELLA'S BLOOD MMM I HOPE SHE GETS A PAPER CUT THAT CLUMSY BITCH!" Jasper burst.

"FINE! Go hunt then, but be back soon!" Alice was clearly annoyed.

"Byee!" And with that, Jasper sprinted away.

"Emmett." Alice whispered, and Emmett appeared with Rosalie on his leg.

"YES, ALICE?" Emmett said loudly.

"Why are you yelling?"

"BECAUSE I LIKE MEATBALLS!"

"Alright, BE MY MANNEQUIN!"

"OKAY!" Emmett threw Rosalie out the window so he could be the mannequin, and Alice started to work at once.

She put a blue and pink sparkly dress on him that ripped as soon as she put it on him.

"URG! EMMETT! You're too big!" She dry-sobbed.

"Alice, I have my own blue and pink sparkly dress that you can put on me…"

"Why?"

"Because I like to eat spaghetti with a dash of parmesan fungus."

"Emmett, I… We don't eat…"

Rosalie walked in then, and stared blankly.

"Rosalie? Having a blonde moment there?" Alice asked, amused.

"I haven't killed Mike in a while…" She said in a dazed voice.

"WHEN I SAY HILLSHIRE YOU SAY FARM! HILLSHIRE!" Emmett yelled enthusiastically.

"FARM! GO MEAT!" Rosalie and Alice said at the same time.

"So, anyway, I'm going to go play in the basement for a while…" Rosalie walked slowly to the basement. "Ohhhhh Miiiikeeee…."

*in the kitchen*

"Oh you are so yummy, I know I am too. Oh, yes. Oh, yes I do. You are so yummy… To humans. And so am I. Even to non-humans… Did you know that? Everyone thinks I'm yummy… Even Jacob because he said it to me in his wolf form. It's okay… We can be yummy together, YES WE CAN!" Jasper spoke to his freshly made chocolate chip cookies like they were babies. Just then Alice busted through the oven.

"IS THIS WHAT YOU CALL HUNTING NOWADAYS! THERE'S A LOT OF DRESSES THAT NEED MODELING AND THEY'RE YOUR SIZE!" And with that, Alice grabbed Jazz by the ear and ran him up to her room so he could be her mannequin.

*in the basement*

"SOMEBODY HELP MEEEE!" Mike screamed when he woke up tied to a slim jim. "AAAAHHHH!"

"Shut up MIKE!" Rosalie poked him in the head, and he collapsed, dead once again.

**Alright… Wasn't as good as I thought it would be. Such good ideas, but bleh! Haha, well review and you get to see my Jacob and Edward dolls come to life and fight. Yay!**


	52. UNO with Seth!

**I can't believe I never made this a chapter. OHMIGOODNESS. Anna and Jori better read this. (:**

**UNO with Seth**

Alice, Esme, and Rosalie were sitting in the living room, talking peacefully.

"Esme… WHAT THE HECK!" Rosalie shouted.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, ROSALIE!" Esme shouted back.

"I can't believe you! You WHORE!"

"WHAT!"

"Why would you do this to me? I HATE YOU!"

"FINE THEN I HATE YOU TOO!"

"Guys… What's going on?" Alice stood up to get out of their way. "What's wrong?"

"ESME KNOWS VERY WELL WHAT'S WRONG!" Rosalie screamed.

"YOU'RE SO MEAN!"

"MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST STOP BEING A DELUSIONAL SLUT!"

"WHERE DID YOU GET THESE DIRTY WORDS, ROSALIE?"

"Guys tell me what is going on!" Alice yelled over them.

"DIRTY WORDS? **DIRTY WORDS? **ESME YOU PEEPHOLE!"

"WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BE NICE TO ME FOR ONCE?" Esme sobbed.

"BECAUSE YOU'RE STUPID!"

"WELL YOU'RE A BLONDE!"

"Fine! I'm going to go play UNO with Seth!" Alice yelled and walked two steps to find Seth and UNO cards all set up.

"DON'T PULL THE JACOB CARD ON ME, ESME, YOU KNOW YOU DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE A DOG!"

"YOU'RE A DOG!"

"NOW YOU'RE JUST PUSHING IT!"

"YOU'RE AN IT!"

"STOP IT ESME!"

"YOU'REEEE AAAANNNNN EEEESSSSSMMMEEEE!"

Seth laid down a yellow five. "UNO!" He cheered.

"Dammit, Seth!" Alice snapped her fingers.

"THAT'S THE WORST THING YOU'VE SAID YET!"

"NO IT ISN'T! BECAUSE BEING AN ESME ISN'T A BAD THING!"

"YES IT IS BECAUSE YOU'RE _FREAKING_ DELUSIONAL!"

"WELL YOU'RE NOT PRETTY, ROSE!"

"Looks like your mother and sister are having a little spat." Seth observed.

"Yeaaaaah, they'll be fine."

"YOU BITCH!"

"I AM _NOT_ A FEMALE DOG! THAT'S LEAH!"

Seth laughed, "Haha, that's true!"

"ESME, I'M PRETTIER THAN YOU WILL EVER BE!"

"THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK!"

"THAT'S WHAT I _KNOW_!"

"GUYS!_ JUST TELL ME WHAT IS GOING ON HERE_!" Alice stepped in between them.

"MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST ADMIT THAT YOU STOLE MY KETCHUP, THEN EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY!" Rosalie screamed.

"Ketchup? This is about _ketchup?_" Alice fumed.

"YOU WISH I STOLE YOUR KETCHUP!" Esme yelled.

"WHY WOULD I WISH THAT! IT'S MY _KETCHUP_!"

"Yeah. I'm done. Let's go play Go-Fish, Seth." And with that, Alice grabbed Seth and went to his house to play Go-Fish without the interruptions of Esme and Rosalie's stupid fight.

**Aaaaaaaaaaaand review! (:**


	53. GoFish with Seth

**Go-Fish with Seth**

"Got any fives?" Alice asked.

"Goldfish." Seth answered cheerfully.

"It's _go fish_, Seth."

"Oh. Go fish, then."

"Damn it."

**(:**


	54. Jazzberries

** !**

**Jazzberries**

Rosalie was playing human in the kitchen.

"Omm nom nom these Raspberries are so yummy! Crunch crunch chew chew swallow!"

"DID SOMEBODY SAY… JAZZBERRIES?" Alice popped in the kitchen.

She held up the box of raspberries Rosalie had and theme music started to play.

"Na na na na na na na JAZZBERRIES! Nanana NAANANANA NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA JAZZBERRIES!"

"Jazzberries are a delicious tasty treat that always gets you through the day feeling like a jazztastic vampire! Jazzberries. JAZZberries! JazzBERRIES! JazzberIES! -."

"ALICE I SAID RASPBERRIES NOT JAZZBERRIES!" Rosalie interrupted, yelling.

"Oh."

Seth walked in then. "Yo, hand me some Jazzberries Rosalie!"

"BLEEP YOU!" And with that, Rosalie ran up to her room with her Jazzraspberries.

**That's weird how "raspberries" are spelled. The 'p' is like silent but not, because you have to replace it with a z? I don't know… Review?**


	55. OREOS?

**Oreos**

**So, as you can see, my name is different. Because… I don't know. I changed me email and I got excited about that so I changed everything else to that name haha. So, I know I haven't updated in a while but it's okay because here's a new chapter! This was an idea from Megan Geyer. Because her ideas are pretty awesome.**

"JAASPERRR!" Esme screamed from the living room.

"What." Jasper answered, right next to her.

"Evil oreos… EVERYWHERE!"

"Whatever, Esme. You're just being DELUSIONAL."

Rosalie came down and sat next to Esme and Jazz. "Ha-Ha Esme's delussssionallllll! Boop boop! I'ma go bake some Pumpernickle bread!"

Seth ran in, covered in oreos, screaming and crying and falling to the floor. "AHHH! EVIL OREOS! NOOOHOOO! LEAVE ME ALONE! PLEASEEE! AAHH NOOO-!" Seth's screams were cut off as he choked on an oreo and fell asleep.

Jasper and Rosalie and Alice and Ed…avious… (cause Edward is too important to be in this chapter) and Jacob and Carlisle and Emmett all looked at each other with a blank stare.

"I TOLD YOUU!" Esme screamed in horror. Edavious then felt a tickle on the back of his neck, then his shoulder…

"Meemmmeemmeemm. Omnomnom meep meep meeemmmmcheepcheep." An evil oreo said.

"SASHGDHGASDSFSNJGDKF!" Edavious exclaimed, and fell to the floor, trying to smack the oreo off.

"PINKY! PINKY? PINKY NO!" Emmett yelled as he was being attacked by his pinky. His pinky stuck to his forehead and he cried in pain.

Just then Carlisle, Rosalie, and Jacob started being attacked by more evil oreos and pinkies, and Esme watched as her family members got covered in artificial chocolate.

"SCREW THIS! IT'S TOO MUCH! I'M GOING ON MY SEXY MOTORCYLE!" Jasper ran out the door onto his motorcycle. Alice was left behind and heard Jasper yell; "SHIRTLESS!" while he started his motorcycle and sped off.

"Meemmmeemmeemm. Omnomnom meep meep meeemmmmcheepche—." Alice stepped on an oreo and it crumbled and died.

"You guys are stupid." She said slowly, and went to her room, while everyone woke up stared at each other.

"Esme you're so delusional…" They all said, and walked out, covered in artificial chocolate.

"I love Mimi…." Seth whispered as he walked out. Then he walked back in. "WHAT? Those weren't my thoughts, or words! WHAT IS GOING ON HEREEE?"

"Evil oreos." Esme explained.

**So, I didn't know how to end it. Or write it for that matter. Yay for total improv! No? Review then, hehe.**


	56. Dinosaurs, Please

**Dinosaurs, Please.**

**This was inspired by Steve from Blue's Clues! Hahaha, aka one of my lovely friends from theater. I really hope he reads this… :]**

Esme ran in the Cullen's house and started to flail her arms all around and move like she had something in her pants.

"DINOSAURS ARE TAKING OVER THE WOOOOORLD!" She screeched.

"Whatever Esme you're just delusional." Jasper said, sitting in the middle of the floor with bags of the "flavor blasted" Goldfish surrounding him. Alice, Carlisle, and Emmett were sitting on the couch watching him intently while Esme continued to sing Peacock from Katy Perry and move around like a psycho.

"Rawr rawr. Rawr. Rawr rawr. Raaawrrrr." Everyone looked out the window to see what was making the noise.

"I TOLDD YOOUU!"

Coming slowly inside the house was Allie, making her hands into Dinosaur talons and walking with her knees touching.

"Rawrr. Rawr rawr. RAAAWRRR."

"Lame."

"Whatever Allie."

"Esme needs some Skittles or something."

"I FOUND THE MISSING LINK!"

Everyone turned their attention back to Jasper when he yelled that, completely forgetting about dinosaur Allie about to attack Esme.

"ROOOAWWWRRRRR!"

"Wow, Allie's really good at that." Edward said, appearing out of nowhere. When he turned to look at Allie there was a Tyrannosaurs Rex in her spot. "All-?" Before he got to finish his sentence, Edward was eaten by the T-Rex. (:])

Jurassic Park music started to play as the T-Rex turned around and left the Cullen's house with Edward's rock hard sparkly leg dangling out of its mouth. Esme was in a fetal position in the corner chanting to herself. Emmett looked behind him.

"Hm. Guess Allie left." He stated, and turned back to Jasper and the Goldfish.

And then Rosalie came down and stared at Steve from Blue's Clues who was staring after the dinosaur in awe. She flicked his head and proceeded to drag him to the basement while giggling evilly.

**Uhhh… This might be continued because I want there to be more Dinosaur ones now. :] Review and I'll heat you up some dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets. :]**


	57. The Seth Song

**The Seth Song**

**Double whamy! No? I just always wanted to say that. Anyhoo I love Seth. And something I forgot to mention… Shout out to The Evil Oreo, hahahaah, cause I forgot I had a reader named that and I made a chapter about evil oreos, and then they reviewed like "hehehe" and I was all, "OHMIGOSH EVIL OREO! BWAHAHA!" Uh, I should PROBABLY get started with the chapter now, eh? I love Seth. This chapter is about Seth. Settthhhhh…. 3**

Alice and Seth were alone in the Cullen's house, sitting on the couch, Seth occasionally scratching himself, with Alice hitting him to stop because he was in human form.

"Where are the others?" Seth asked.

"Dead."

"WHAT?"

"Just kidding. They're in the time machine visiting some dinosaurs." Alice spoke in a ominous voice.

"Well…"

"I WANNA SING YOU A SONG!" She burst. Suddenly there was a stage and a microphone and a full orchestra consisting of Mike, Angela, Petrie (cause we all know he was the best singer in Land Before Time, am I right? Sarcasm), Lauren, and all the other extremely unimportant people.

Alice started to sing a lovely melody (that you may make up yourself) as the orchestra started to play. The lyrics went a little like this.

"Voooocalize, vocalizing for Seth! My lover! But I caaaan't tell Jasper cause hee gets jealous in his pelvis. Seth is cute. Seth is pretty. But Seth can't be pretty cause he's a guy like a fly. So Seth is cute. And pos-ih-tive about everything. And he's bright. And he's cute. And he's tall. Like a sting from a light in a boot like it all. And sometimes when I wear heeeels I think I'm taller next to him. Unless he's wearing heels. But guys don't wear heeeels so it's okaaay like a ray. I love Seth. Seth is brown. Not black, but brown. He wears a crown. Seth has black hair. And he's Indian. But not the dotty Indians, only the Native American kind. Nothing against the other ones, but Seth is a wolf, and wolves only come from Naaaative Indians. Not from India. Or maybe from Indiaa, I don't know. But he's an Indian. Like a… Indian. Seth can fly. Well he can jump really high. Seth can run, run, run in the sunny sun sun. CHORUS! Thiis isss the Seth SONG! For SETH! The SETH SONG! For MY SETH! The SETH SONG! THE SEEETH SONG! Seth song, for Seth. I keep saying Seth. Over and over. So now the name Seth sounds weird. But it's okay, cause I'll name my kid Seth. Even if I can't even have kiddsss. I love Seth. Seth Seth Seth. I make animal crackers out of Seth. I read books. That have his name in it. Cause Seth is awesome. And he's 15. Seth. Settth. Sethy Sethykinds. Seth can kill any vampire. I wish he would kill. Edward. But he won't, because Edward is his friend. Which is cute of Seth. Seth, Seth. Because Seth Seth Sethykids liiiikes vamps. Seth likes food. And Seth likes to be a weeerewolf. CHORUS! Thiis isss the Seth SONG! For SETH! The SETH SONG! For MY SETH! The SETH SONG! THE SEEETH SONG! Seth song, for Seth. I like Seth. This song is over. Yay for Seth. The Seth ssoongg." The Orchestra finished off with a nice "boop a dooop, DOOP." And Seth clapped excitedly.

"BRILLIANT LYRICS! Sounded like something Justin Boober would write!"

And with that, Seth and Alice skipped off into the woods singing the Seth Song.

**Well. Total improv. A must. Not really, cause… Yeah. REVIEW CAUSE I POSTED TWWWWOOO CHAPTERS UP IN ****ONE DAY!**** :]**


	58. Awkkkwardddd

**Awkward**

Alice was lying on her Superman teaming up with dinosaurs, Jasper, Peter Pan, and Seth to defeat Edward rug playing with her brand new iPhone because her friend lost her iTouch!

"Boop boop. Badouche." She sang.

Esme ran in flailing her arms and making noises. "Heemmneehemmm aaaahhhfff AREE! I'm a rino! AAAAHHHRRRR RAAAAHHH!" She continued making rino noises while bumping into the wall over and over. Alice ignored her and continued playing with her iPhone. Seth walked in wearing his "Cleaning Mama" apron and started to yell at Alice.

"YOU DIDN'T DUST THE FURNITURE!"

"YES I DID SETH!"

"NO YOU DIDN'T, BECAUSE WHEN I WIPE MY HANDS ACROSS THE TOP…" Seth ran his fingers across the top of the stereo while yelling, but trailed off when he realized there was no dust on the furniture whatsoever. "Hm. Well… This… this is awkward."

"And that's when you know you got the right chimpanzee!" Esme stated as a matter of factly.

Carlisle's room-

"And do the pelvic thruuuuust, and it'll drive you insaaaaaaane. LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!" Carlisle sang loudly and badly, and repeated it over and over.

"Hey dad, AHF SHDK BADJSF!" Emmett screeched as he caught Carlisle doing the pelvic thrust in nothing but his little red Speedo.

"Can I have one…?" Emmett asked softly.

"There's an extra on the bed."

**Well. I kind of wrote this randomly just to say a little bit. Because I didn't want to just post an author's note. That would be a waste of a document. I would like from everyone reading this to review with what you thought of the chapter(I know it sucked haha) and then please include the most awkward situation you have ever been in, just for funsies. :] Okay and just to put it out there… Most of these random things that come up are either stuff that happened with me and my friends, or crazy RANDOM, outtt there things that are in my psycho mind. They're not something you could copy and get away with it like a coincidence. You know? You'd think people would realize that, right? But no, apparently not. I need to get this copyrighted or something hahaha. But it's whatever, I know that I came up with this stuff, and I've been writing this for almost two years now(be tee dubs I'll totally be celebrating the two year anniversary of this story with a super long epic chapter that will be good I promise. Too bad I missed the one year. :P) so I don't think I'll let it bother me. It's not ME that looks unoriginal, am I right? Anyway, I thank all of you for reading, and reviewing and being awesome. And this author's note is probably longer than the chapter itself but I needed to say some shtuff! So have fun sharing your awkward moments and I hope everyone has a good night/day/whatever time you read this. :] New chapter up soon!**


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